My heart exists

I'm in love! Wow...can you imagine this crazy anxious brain in love? I can't...Since the day I had this disorder I saw that I could not deal with these kind of feelings, you know? I couldn't even deal with me, my fears and dramas. But it happened, natural and slowly, but it happened. I have someone in my life now, someone who knows every single detail about this disorder so he is prepare for all my weirdness ahah he realy is okay with it, I guess he realy loves me :) I'm scared, big time scared, most of all I'm scared that the day this ends I have a break down and take a steps back...so scared...but I know now that it's okay to take that risk, it's better the risk and live a little, or safe and die inside. I take this risk, sometimes I'm strong and confident, sometimes I'm more anxious and more scared, can't see if it's worth it or not...but a good day comes and I get stronger again :)
I need to start living, baby steps :) but living!
December it's my favorite month, because I'm so addicted to Christmas, omg, you have no idea. Still not having a job, but still believing. God bless all the love I have around me, here in my page, my house, my home town...love everywhere. Thank you so much. Love you all. Damn, I'm in love ahah

Mary Jane

Now what?

I lost my job yesterday, just because, with no explanation, nothing. Don't know what to think or feel, I though I had my life going on good way, and now and don't know what to do. I'm so sad, so anxious so lost... Now what? I'm already fighting and looking for a new job but I'm not positive at all. It seems like life is always testing me, everytime I have something controled, everytime I am okay and happy something happens that change my mood, my peace. Anxiety it's trying to get me till I lose it, I'm still strong but I don't know for how long. Faith and love, my powerfull resource, but I'm sad and really lost... One day before another, baby steps, I know. 

Girl, you need to calm down...

How I feel now it's not a garantee that I'll be okay the next second. My mood change so quickly and sometimes for no big reason. In a second I'm fine and confident, next second everything bothers me, and when I realize that I get so frustrated and more mad. I try to control it but I can't, if I remember something that makes me anxious I hate everything around me. Like for example, I'm going out with my friends, happy and calm, if something bothers me, even just a little bit, I lost it, the night is over for me, I'm there but I'm not present, I'm just thinking and thinking and mad and thinking a little bit more. I hate everything that takes the control from me, and I don't realize that being mad about losing the control makes me losing it even more. For me, this is the worst to control, I see it but I can't change it. This ruins most of the events that I used to go, most of the things I loved to do. In the end I feel very sorry for my reaction, for ruin everything, but in the moment I don't see that. I know I have a temper, but now with anxiety it's worst, because now it's for nothing sometimes. I had times that I even lost great trips, just because I thought about stupid possibilities and I lost the control and I just didn't went. I don't know if someone feels the same or is just me, because I'm not talking about getting a anxiety crises, I'm talking about getting a stupid attitude, only because you think you are avoid the anxiety. Well, you're not.

Mary Jane

Wait...what?!

Everything was okay, I was calm, happy, going to see a movie, great day, all good things...and then, from nowhere the anxiety appears, I star to feel my hands shaking and all sweat, started to feel claustrophobic and looking around all the time, my body changed in a second, but why? The others experience had a reason, but this time I didn't see that coming. I did my thing, breathing, happy thoughts, and the anxiety was fighting back. This kind of situations makes me sad, it reminds me that I have this, that sometimes I'm not in control of my emotions, I feel weak, small...I can pass months controling, but it takes only a moment like this to ruin everything in my mind...I don't even know why it happened. In the end I tryed to see the good side, that I've controlled, no one notice, but it's not easy to remember that I'm not okay, social situations makes me nervous and anxious. It reminds me that this is for life, this is the "new" me, fighting each day, everyday... Not a good time for me now... 

I see you, but you don't see me!

Why does anxiety cares so much about others? What they think, what they see when they look at me, if they judge me for my wierd behavior sometimes...Before all this I didn't care this much, and now in a good day I still don't, but in a bad day, a very anxious day, everything is important. And that gives me a lot of anxiety because my brain it's allways thinking in 10000 things at the same time. So, this little smart anxiety works in a way that gives it more and more power. 

I would love that people that I call "normal", could see how I live every single day of my life since this started. They don't see it, they don't understand, they look at me and what they see is a normal woman, more quite and lonely sometimes, asking why I did changed so much, and they never understand. I've tryed to explain more then once, but they just can't understand, just me and you, who lives with this, who wakes up everyday with fear because we just don't know If we gonna make it, leave the house, speak to different people, drive, eat, work...be a person. No one out of this, knows how brave we are, how tired we are sometimes but still fighting. A disease it's not just something that you look at me and you see it, sometimes it's something you need to feel it, with me, live it, with me. But how? How can someone see it like us? I'm not talking about support, understanding and be patient with me. No. I'm talking about feeling my disease, my war. 

How? 

Mary Jane

I'm not allowed to love

The past made me suffer. That past made me a new person, and I don't think I agree with this new me, but I understand. That past made me be so scared of love, being in love, because it took me so much time to rebuild myself, that now the idea of losing it brings panic. Love brings good things, magic feeling, mas the only thing I can see is that love makes me dependent, my happiness is in someones hands, if he loves me back, if he called me today, if you fight...You see? My happiness is no longer in my control, and that idea gives me anxiety, fear. So I don't wanna be too close of someone. I love my family but I closed a little, my friends are a big support, I would do anything to help them but I don't talk about myself anymore, I don't ask for help if I need it, I don't talk for hours about my problems and concerns...I listen, each one, they trust me a lot, but I don't do the same...not anymore. I understand this is a way that my brain thinks is protecting me, but at what point is this saving me? Helping me? I deserve to be happy, to build my family, it's my dream to be a mom, but now, how? I tryed to start slowly, but when I feel the person is too close, I panic, my anxiety explode and just put this fears in my head and is so exhausting that I just give up. I'm not in a relationship for 4 years now...didn't felt in love, no more, because it's impossible for me to connect with someone at that point. I know it all depends on me, but it's hard to change a habit that puts you in a confort zone...

Mary Jane

Open the book...page 1

I've never told my family that I have anxiety disorder. They know I'm very anxious, nervous, they know I was in treatment for some months, they are very supportive, but I've never said it, with all the words...Why? I don't know...maybe because I thought at that point that was no need for that, I was in control and I felt strong enough to not ask for help anymore. Like I said before in this blog, I need my space, my time alone, I've never shared my feelings that much, and I believe that help the anxiety win some wars against me. I really think is important to open and say it all, to all your close ones. I didn't and at the beggining was hard, hide the anxiety during a family dinner, for example, I had no need to suffer that, it was enough all the rest, I could be more helped and supported back then...Now I see that, how important it is to be 100% honest with those who just want to help you, your recovery... Three years past since my last appointment with my doctor, now how do I start this conversation without scaring them? "why tell now if she hided this for years?"... Well, I don't feel like I've hided, I didn't opened my book 100%, so they can read my story, you know? I don't lie if they ask me something, I just don't take the first step...never did...

Mary Jane

You better work!

So, I have a new job now. New job, new place, new people, new routine. This changes all my peace, my control of my time, it's not easy at the beginning. The first day I tried to see everything, so I can feel comfortable in this new place for my brain, my anxiety. Talking with my new colleagues so I can start trust them and feel safe here. I work in tourism, in a rural Hotel, it's a new Hotel, opens tomorrow, Thursday. I went there yesterday to see the place, it's so beautiful, so big, I loved everything in it, and that helps me because it's another reason for me to feel comfortable and calm every morning. If the hotel was...I don't know, but if I didn't had liked it for some reason, like dark places, dark colors, cold, empty... would not help my anxiety, it would make me feel nervous every day. Everything around me makes difference, people, weather, places, clothes, food, music... Everything changes the way I feel, in a second. But I'm happy, I needed this, I was without working for 6 months, and that's a lot of free time to my brain, to free time with no one to be with, and that's like poison to anxiety, easy. At the end I was very alone,  sad, not feeling in control, and when I'm not in control, the anxiety feels the opposite, it feels stronger and stronger. But now I'm better, this first days aren't easy but I feel better already.

Be grateful*
Mary Jane

How weird am I?

Since the anxiety came to my life, I became a lonely person, I spend a lot of the day alone, or with people but quiet. To be honest, I always needed my time of the day, even when I was a kid. I loved to play with my friends, be with my family, but at some point of the day, I needed my moment, my space, my loneliness. But now, with anxiety, I think I need it more, when I've spend the all day, and I mean the all day till go to bed and not even in bed, when I've spend the all day with people, I start to feel stressed, bad mood, impatient and very anxious. Is just me? Does anyone feel this need? I'm saying this now because, like you know, I went to Nazaré with my family, it was amazing, such a beautiful place, nice people, amazing beach, but I shared my room with my aunt (that I love with all my heart and soul), and I lost my moment alone for days, and that bothers me a lot. If affects me in some level that I loose some control about anxiety, but why? If is the same loneliness that hurt me before? The same loneliness that make me over-think everything? 

I'm weird...

This is Nazaré:

Weapons of love

Is very important the quality of doctors that are or will help you. On my case, I was very lucky, my doctor was very understanding, explained everything to me, taught me that everything happen on my time, refused to give me pills until I understood how strong I could be without it. And that's the point, because I see many cases that never got better, not just for a second, because they don't understand what is happening, how to deal with this new situation, they just go home, take the pills and wait, like it's a flu or something, and unfortunately is not that easy. We need to see what changed, what hurt me so made that let this damaged, then understand how my body and my mind is reacting, and how I'm gonna deal with this. This is more easy to say, because to do it is so hard...One day I feel strong enough, I believe in anything, but others days it's so hard, so lonely, so devastated, so unfair... It's hard to see that those bad days gonna be here, it's hard to accept that now this is the new me, sometimes those days become weeks, and you get more and more tired of fighting against it. But a new good day comes, a good talk with someone I love, laughing with my friends, achieving something, hugging my grandma...This loads my batteries to fight more bad days, and that's how I survived all this years. Believing. Loving. Being Loved. Seeing the small details of life.
       

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Party hard, hard for me..

So today I have a party, what's the problem? Everything is the problem. Too many people, too many hours, too many noise...It was maybe the most difficult thing that I did at the beggining, going to a party again. I've started going a few time, I was always looking around, stressed, but I was there. Then I stayed a little bit longer. If the day was a good day I stayed a little bit longer, if it was not I leave earlier, but it's okay to take a step back, do everything on your on time. It's better going a few time than not going and let the anxiety win the all thing. 

If I feel okay maybe I stay till the end, but I'm trying not to think about it (but I am thinking about it). 

What's important to me too is thinking what I'm going to dress so I can feel confortable, it really influence me, my peace, it does, really. I don't like to feel too much "stuck", you know? I like to feel that I can move, breath, feel... Maybe I'm not explaining well 

I don't know if anyone feel the same, I've never have talked about it before. And I'm a girl, so clothes are veeery important . So it's double worry for me, and double stress, and everything that it's bad, it's a double for me.
Damn, we are strong people!

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Put the anxiety on the bag!

This weekend I'm going with my family to Nazaré, I've never been there, I'm excited and nervous. Every time I leave my home for a couple days, the anxiety wakes, every single time. I try to focus on the good side, I love to travel, to meet new places, stay in a hotel room, walk on the beach (where I live there's no beach), but at the same time I feel nervous, very anxious, I don't know the places, the Hotel, my routine is different, everything around it's different, and for me that's complicated. The important thing to do is going, because when I'm there, with time, I see I'm okay and safe. But I'm happy to go, since McNamara surf there, that Nazaré is more popular, so it's time for me to go and visit. I'm going to take some pictures and share with you, because everyone says that Nazaré it's a very beautiful and unique place in Portugal. 

It's only Tuesday and I'm already with stress and anxiety, till Saturday how exhausted this is, right? But I'm a fighter, and that's what it means to be a fighter. 

This is Nazaré:


P.S. Again, I'm sorry for my English, I'm trying to do my best :)

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Thank You *

I'm so happy for having more followers, thank you so much. It's so important to me knowing that my experience can reach others, help others, and you're helping me too :) I promise I will write more often, with simple words, pure truth about my daily experience, and you may share with me yours. Please do :)

Living with anxiety it's not the worst thing in the world when you have all the support, but if you feel lonely, misunderstood, judged, it can destroy you, but now I'm here, showing you how too build tools, how to be stronger, tricks that helps me and maybe will help you too. I admit that doing this gives me a little bit of anxiety because I'm afraid of not be able to reach everyone, or not explain myself like I should...you know, fear and more fear, but I'm happy with this project, and that has more power than fear ;)

Tip of the day: silence can be your best friend when is the crowd your anxiety bomb, but sometimes it's your enemy because silence gives to your brain too much "space" to fill you of fear and stress. It happens a lot with me, so I turn on the tv, even if I don't watch it, listen some music that I like, call some one to talk, you know, something that distract you from the irracional fear.

Thank you so, so much *

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Past vs Scary Present

Sometimes I miss my old me. The one who lived 100% all the experiences, the one who traveled a lot, the one who felt strong all the time. With the anxiety I've lost a big part of who I was. I'm happy now, I've learned a lot and that changed some things in a good way, but sometimes, like today, I miss that side, that freedom. Today it's not a bad day, but it's not the best day :/ 

I need to concentrate in happy thoughts, be grateful, see all I have fought and win till today :) maybe I would take a walk, see the nature, that helps me, if I'm not too anxious to leave my confort zone, but is not the case today. Yes, maybe I will :)

Happy day to all, happy thoughts and be grateful *

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

June, be fashion to me*

It's almost summer, finally. What I love more about changing season, is change all the clothes and daily looks. It's so good, it almost feels like having a all new closet full of new clothes. My anxiety doesn't like changes, but this one does not make me anxious, so it's all good feelings. I'm a girl, of course I love clothes and fashion, but now even boys love it, so this is a good tip to everyone. In a stressing day change the closet order, think about new looks you can combine, see what you don't like that much anymore and give that to a friend or someone who needs, it's a good thing and a perfect excuse to buy something new ahah

Today, the first day of June, I chose a black and white dress, so cute, let me show you:

Do you like it? I love it, it's from H&M.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

My sweet anxiety

How crazy it is when you realize you're scared about being scared when there's nothing to be scared of? If you have anxiety disorder like me, you know what am talking about. It's the fear of fear. For me, this kind of experience are so strong and exhaustive, when I know that I'm gonna put myself in that position again I automatically panic. It's hard to learn how to control that. When you do know how to control, there is some days more difficult, and you feel it's starting all over again. Right? Like I said before, I live with this disorder in years, and everyday I learn something new, and I'm grateful of that. I'm stronger and stronger each day. I hate to live with anxiety but it's impossible to live without it, so the best I can do it's learn everyday how to deal it and be happy. I am the way I am, and I love myself today, I really do.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane


image(http://nami64.deviantart.com/art/I-love-myself-125997150)

Please Love, just Love

Today I asked myself, do I think more or feel more? I believe I think more, and that's not how it should be. What we feel it's more real, more pure, maybe more innocent, fragile...When we think everything, we plan everything, we kinda control everything. But when we feel more, we are a free spirit. How free am I? 

Live the way you feel is the right way, not how others tell you, live the way you think it's gonna feel better inside, your believes, the way you see the world, your way, because in the end of the day you live with yourself, your feelings, your self love. Those who judge instead of trying to understand, those who hate, who push you down, those have not more power than you, then shouldn't have. 

Everyday I'm grateful of who I am, what I have and who I have with me. Am different? Yes. Am I difficult to deal with?Yes. But am I worth it to try? Hell yes I am. Like you, and all of you who think you deserve to be alone and not loved, yes you do. You made a mistake? It's okay, tomorrow it's a new day, start again. It's too late? It's never too late to do thing right, tomorrow it's always a new day, forgive, fight, scream, cry, run, do anything that release you and then start again. And again, and again, till you FEEL complete. Anxiety disorder taught me something good, if you are in peace with yourself, you're in peace with the world. It's never too late to find that peace. Try.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

 

Smile, sad face

Maybe because I'm young, or maybe because I'm a woman, but sometimes, like today, nothing is enough. I've got a job, finally, I have the most lovely family, fluffy friends, but it's not enough. Why? Just because. I don't know. I'm feeling like I'm not following my way, some how. I know it's probably just the anxiety saying "Hi, I'm still here, don't forget", but it's not fair for me and for those who love me and do anything for me. I feel like I should be traveling the world, working in so many different things, but I'm to dependent of my home, my blood, you know? I want that but if I do it that would not make me happy. Okay, it's probably because I'm a woman. You know, that thing that we, women, can not control, the "more" disease. More shopping, more movies, more love, more hugs, more kisses, more, more, more. 

Girl power, I guess.
Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Love me

I'm not easy to love. I know. All my life, just being love it's hard. 

I've never left people get closer, it's a little world, only mine, I feel safe here, I don't want to lose it. I was in relations before, yes, but not good or healthy relations, and that just made it worst. My last relationship broke my heart, my peace, my soul. For the first time in my life, I opened the doors, let him in, I was happy, but not for long. So, now it's almost impossible for me to trust again, to fell in love so bad that nothing else matters, like love should be. I miss that sometimes, I really do.

Living with the anxiety disorder changed everything, but not one thing, my need for my lonely side, my peace. But, for the other side, the anxiety made more afraid of loosing the control of my emotions, and that it's a stop sign for start to be in love someday. I see that, I understand that, but I don't want to fight against it, it's too comfortable right now, because now I control what I feel, I mean, my state of mind does not depend of anyone, if we're okay today, if he called me, if we had a fight, you know? When I lost the control of myself , my life, my emotion, when I was diagnosed with this disorder, it was so hard to put everything in order again, that now it's to precious to lose it, but is worth it? Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life because I'm to scare to live it? Maybe... Maybe I already love you, but it is just to much for me to realize it. Maybe I need you so bad already that scares me even more now.
Love me.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Good Love, Bad Love?

How hard it is to fall in love? Or is just me? Maybe I don't trust people enough to fall in love. Maybe I'm so focus in me, in my recovery everyday, and I forgot how to love. Is that possible? I guess it is, maybe... I've fall in love before, but not since I have the anxiety disorder. I really believe it's because I don't give other the chance to be closer to me, because I'm afraid of be hurt, or because I just don't feel prepare to let someone be in my life, be part of me. Sometime I feel alone, I miss those love feelings I guess. I'm afraid that if I let someone get closer to me, that he can't deal with me, with my situation, with my stupid fears of everything, and I get hurt and everything gets worst. But again, it's all my stupid fears. This is life, love, get hurt, get up and love again. No one is in love with the absolute sure that everything is gonna be perfect. I know that.

It's hard to understand what I want and what is the best for me.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Be good to me *

Am I the only one who believes in good energies? Like being with good people, enjoy a beautiful sunny day, help someone, those things bring good energies to me. I really believe that. Places full of good memories, moments with those I love, listen the perfect music, smell the perfume that remembers you someone you miss...this kind of things bring such good energy to my day, my life. If something bad is happening, you can help yourself being surrounded of things that gives you good energies. Positivity brings more positivity. It's like Karma, if you do good, you receive good. You know what I think it bring good energies too? A good movie. A movie with a story that gives you faith, laugh, great memories, good emotions.  Maybe you relate to the story, the character, and the perfect end gives you hope. Or maybe this is just me, because I'm addicted to cinema. I'm always waiting for some movie, now I really want to see Noah, maybe I'll see it this weekend, I hope so. Did you saw it already? How great it is? It's enormous, I know!!! 

This year I'm going to Algarve on Easter. It's good to me, going to the beach, relax, take a walk, it's good to my anxiety. When I was in Porto the weather was so bad that I didn't even took a picture, so in Algarve I'm hoping taking some photos, and put one or two here on my blog. 

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

It's not Black and White anymore

Remember that time when you did everything you wanted, with no stupid fears and anxiety that now makes you give up of everything? How good it felt, to be free? How bad you miss that days? I think about that a lot, I think about all the trips I did, all the concerts, parties, vacations with friends. I miss that, I miss that so bad...It's time to have my life back. I'm in a good way, I am fighting this anxiety like I never though I could, I'm stronger each day. 

I still don't have any call for a job interview, I know this things take some time, but I'm not that optimist. Patient it's not a quality in me, it's a lost treasure. Now that I saw that I'm strong enough to do it, to move to Porto and start a new life, I really need a job, because without money it's impossible. Economy it's so bad, everyone needs a job, a lot of young people are fighting like me, it's difficult to even get a interview. I'm praying everyday. 

I think I already said that I love nails art, if I didn't, I did now. I paint my nails by myself, I love to do it, and I think I'm good at it. Doing thing that I love to do, really calms me down. Think about what you enjoy to do, and do it, anytime you feel you need it, it works for me, distract my thoughts, relax me and makes me happy.
Easter it's almost here, last year I did this nails art:

                                         

It's not perfect, but I think it's good, I loved it.That is my hand, and I did all by myself.
Yesterday I saw this one on Instagram:

I think they are so beautiful, maybe I'll do the same on my nails next time. Now I just have purple nails, with no art, just simple. It's one of those colors I bought the other day. It's this color:

                                           

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

I'm not my Anxiety

Living with anxiety it's something that not everyone understand. Some people say we do what we do because we are making a scene, we want attention, or something like this. Sometimes this kind of people are our friends, our family, and sometimes they just say that because they don't know what anxiety disorder is. So, talk to them, explain what it is, how you feel, tell them to search some information. When they know, when they understand better, they can help you, they can help you fight your fears, and control the anxiety in some situations. Those who really loves you and care about you, will do this, for you. People told me a lot that this was nothing, "please don't make a scene" they said, because they didn't know how hard and difficult it is to live with this, but since they  know, it's better for me because they help me a lot, and for them because they understand me now. Some didn't care, so I don't care about them anymore, the real friends were by my side since the beginning, 4 years ago, till now. All my family were very supportive, I'm very blessed for that. Some don't understand that much, but they don't judged me, and support me no matter what. That helped me, I felt that I was not alone, and I'm sure that if you stop and look around, you'll realize you're not alone too. You can do what you thing you can't. I know how that feels, I thought I've lost the control of my life, and I did for some time. But I've got stronger and stronger, baby steps but very important steps, and today I still have this disorder, but I'm the one who have the control. Some days it's difficult to think so positive like today, but day by day it's gonna be better, until the positive vibe come back to me. The best thing I can say to all of you is that you are not alone, please realize that, maybe it seems not a big deal, but believe me it's huge for us.

The sun it's back, I'm so happy, please stay forever! It's not so good for my allergies but and don't care, I'm tired of winter. Welcome back Spring.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Spring Vibe

It's good to be back home. I've really loved this days in Porto, but home it's always better. When I travel, I feel something new in me, maybe my energy, my spirit, I don't know. It's a good feeling. 

This year the spring collection it's so beautiful, with so much colors and forms. I saw a lot of clothes with fruits, I loved it, so cute. My clothes are very colorful, different and girly. Stores like Bershka, H&M, Primark and Zara, not that expensive and they have the most cute collection this year.

I felt in love with this leggins from Bershka:

                                                           With this blazer from H&M:

And this from Primark:

I'm hoping the weather get better now, today it was a little sunny, maybe tomorrow it's better and winter may finally go away till December. Please!
My anxiety it's controlled, I'm in a very happy place right now, so this is a moment of zero anxiety. That's why I really want you to know that fight against your fears is very important, hard I know, but you deserve this peace sometimes. Please be strong, take your time and face it. You're not alone.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Yes, I'm weird.

If everyone tells you that you're weird and different, that's the best thing that they can say to you. Because being yourself is your freedom, be what you love to be, it's weird for those who judge, but they don't matter. I like to have my hair in different colors, red was my favorite so far, but now I'm blond. I love everything that it's vintage, sunglasses, bags, anything. I have those:

I love them so much!

A lot of people tell me that I'm different, but that makes me feel good, special, unique. I really don't care if I'm judged, at all. I love my family, love my friends, I'm a good daughter, sister, friend, human being, and that's what matter, not what I'm dressing, or my hair, or my tattoos (I have 5 tattoos now). The more you love your differences, the more I admire you. Be who you are, be proud, don't change your real you for some small minds. I guess I'm in Gaga mode now LOL but it's really what I think and how I live.
So Porto. It's really, really bad weather here this two days, raining all the time. I didn't have any pictures yet, but I promise I will. I've visited some companies, hoping get a job interview soon.
My anxiety it's very controlled today, I was so happy yesterday that I believe that gave me a lot of peace with myself. Please fight for you, for your life, your freedom from anxiety, the moment you do, your life change. I know it's not a cure, but it's a big achievement for me and my own cause.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Because I'm Happy

I just can't believe that I did it. I'm here, out of my comfort zone, by myself, for the first time in 4 years. It was not easy, the anxiety tried to make me give up, it was really on top, bad anxiety, but I said to my self "I'm better than this, I'm stronger, I need this." Now I have the most peaceful feeling and so happy for me. So what I tell is, take your time, and when you feel ready do it, fight it, you can do this, you deserve this good feeling. Now I see that I could do this sooner, but now it was the time that I felt stronger. It's very important that you do it in you own time, it's okay to try again, but never give up.
I'm loving being here, I met a lot of new people, I'm so happy and tired, because of the anxiety I didn't slept last night.
I'm gonna sleep now, proud and happy :)
Tomorrow I'm gonna try to find a job, wish me luck !

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Oh God...

It's tomorrow...can you believe it? I can't. Tomorrow I'm gonna travel alone, stay out of my comfort zone for four days, for the very first time, this is so huge for me, and scary. I'm really nervous, I know I need this, but it's so hard. I just want to close my eyes and when opened it's Sunday, I'm back home and very happy for my success. But that's not possible, if I wanna feel it, I need to fight for it. I hate anxiety, and for sure she hates me too LOL but I'm stronger.
I've got big plans for this days out. I hope I can meet beautiful places, see great things, buy something new for me, and it would be perfect if I get a job interview, I really hope so.
You know what I love? Photos. I love photos because it's more than a memory, it's a feeling, an emotion, a story, oh I don't know, I love it. A perfect photo on the wall, like for example a family portrait, when you see your clothes and your hair when you were little, it's so great, so funny. A memory it's yours, you can explain to me but in my head it's gonna be different, but a photo it's more. This days in Porto gonna be a very important memory, good memory, so I'm gonna take some pictures, maybe I'll show here some. Share my pure good memory with you, the day I fought my fears.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Hello April

A new month starts. I do so much promises on the first day of each month, but I never change anything, it's like new years resolutions, but every month. But this month has something new, me going alone to Porto, and that it's a BIG change for me and my anxiety. Today is Tuesday, so it's almost here the big day, oh God, the anxiety it's bigger and bigger. What I do is think about how great feeling I'm going to feel Sunday, the day I'll be back home, It really helps to calm the anxiety a little. I also organize my thoughts, like files, very good thoughts, happy thoughts, positive thoughts and only in the end the stressful thoughts, and those are only for one minute. For someone that doesn't have anxiety disorder, this may look easy and simple, mas it's not, it's really hard for me to control my emotions and fears, it's difficult to learn that, but not impossible :)
It's so cold outside, always raining, if the sun was shining everything were more easy, I don't about you, but sunny days calm me down a lot.
I love nail polish, I'm always painting my nails, it's my thing lol Today I bought 5 new colors, my favorite so far it's this one:

What you think? That's not my hand, btw, it's from Google. I love it **
When I put the other polish in my nails, I'll show here the colors.
(Again, sorry about my English)

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Mary Jane: 1 - Anxiety:0

Having this problem with anxiety for 4 years made me learn how to fight it. My Doctor told me some tricks that I could use, like breathing slow, at first I though that I was just a stupid idea, but it's really not. If you breath slow, just get focus on that, it really works. It's better if you lay down in your bed, in silence, thinking in everything that make you happy today, or yesterday, or any day, that distracts your mind and  the anxiety goes away. If I'm on the street or just some social event, I still do my breathing, it takes more time because it's more difficult to concentrate but with happy thoughts, maybe some water, breath some air, calm, the anxiety goes away. When the situation is more than this, like real strong anxiety, just sit, breath, take some time by yourself or with someone you trust, the worst feeling just takes 10 min, never more than that, it's physically impossible , you know in few minutes it will go away, just breath. When you feel better it's really important that you comeback to the situation that gave you that anxiety, so you know it's okay, you controlled the situation. If you just leave, your mind will associate that situation to bad anxiety. Be strong, take your time, try one, two, three times, doesn't matter, but do it until you got it.

What also help me a lot, is do thing that I love before. Shopping, be with my family and friends, watch a movie, paint my nails... It's different for each one of you, so do what you enjoy, even if sometimes the anxiety makes you feel you're not in the mood, that's a lie, once you do it you'll see how great you feel. 

This are just some tips, but I hope it's useful for you.

Today I thought it would be a bad day, but I was wrong, I survived to this Monday day one.
Dear Spring, I hate rain and wind at the same time, it's like being attacked by all angles,it's not a fair war. Please be good to me and bring the sun and happy colors.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Monday it's always day one

Hi.
Today it's Monday, it should be a normal day, but on Thursday I'm going to Porto for a few days, looking for a interview for a new job, and for me that's a big step, so Hello Anxiety! It's okay, it's in a low level, but my brain starts to think that if today it's like this, Wednesday night it's gonna be much worse. But I really need this, so no matter what, I'm gonna do it.
I'm really tired of this weather!! It's Spring, I want sun and flowers everywhere! It's so cold outside and tomorrow it's already April, it's enough! The truth is that maybe, just maybe, I'm miss my Spring clothes. I'm a girl, we think like that, and this is the truth.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Let it be

Back when I was a child, I would never imagine my future "me" like this. I was a very free spirit little girl, spoiled (a lot) but a really good kid. Now, I'm a young woman who learnt (or tried) how to live with anxiety. Since anxiety grabbed me, my life changed. At first I thought I was crazy, I thought I was going to die. I had panic for no reason, scared just to leave the house, public situations made me panic... I decided I need help. A doctor explain to me everything that was going on on my mind and body, and that helped a lot. That was 4 years ago, I'm much better now, but I have a big, BIG war in my hands yet. Some days are good days, some are just more difficult to smile.

My life is about to change. Finished school last year, now I need to get a job, I tried in my town but I probably need to move to a big city. That's a big change for me and my anxiety. I know I need it, but it's so hard to control the new things, that sometimes I just don't wanna change anything anymore. But I can't give up, I need to fight, fight for me, for my life, my freedom from this poison. It's so hard to fight it, but when I do is such a great feeling, pure happiness! 

I decided to make this blog, because when I was real sick, things like this helped me a lot, because I felt someone was feeling the same way, maybe somehow I was not alone. I live in Portugal, but my blog is in English (not perfect, sorry) because I wanna help everyone in the world who needs this, and in Portuguese that was not going to happen so easily. 

This gonna be a very positive place, good energy, good vibe, very feminine sometimes, with fashion and make up, anything that help my day be happier :)

I'm gonna share here my daily experiences, battles with my anxiety, my thoughts about everything, my opinion, help someone who ask me for help or some advice...

Hope this make you feel you're not alone, you're not different, you're just living a experience that definitely gonna make you a better and bigger person.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane