Girl, you need to calm down...

How I feel now it's not a garantee that I'll be okay the next second. My mood change so quickly and sometimes for no big reason. In a second I'm fine and confident, next second everything bothers me, and when I realize that I get so frustrated and more mad. I try to control it but I can't, if I remember something that makes me anxious I hate everything around me. Like for example, I'm going out with my friends, happy and calm, if something bothers me, even just a little bit, I lost it, the night is over for me, I'm there but I'm not present, I'm just thinking and thinking and mad and thinking a little bit more. I hate everything that takes the control from me, and I don't realize that being mad about losing the control makes me losing it even more. For me, this is the worst to control, I see it but I can't change it. This ruins most of the events that I used to go, most of the things I loved to do. In the end I feel very sorry for my reaction, for ruin everything, but in the moment I don't see that. I know I have a temper, but now with anxiety it's worst, because now it's for nothing sometimes. I had times that I even lost great trips, just because I thought about stupid possibilities and I lost the control and I just didn't went. I don't know if someone feels the same or is just me, because I'm not talking about getting a anxiety crises, I'm talking about getting a stupid attitude, only because you think you are avoid the anxiety. Well, you're not.

Mary Jane

Wait...what?!

Everything was okay, I was calm, happy, going to see a movie, great day, all good things...and then, from nowhere the anxiety appears, I star to feel my hands shaking and all sweat, started to feel claustrophobic and looking around all the time, my body changed in a second, but why? The others experience had a reason, but this time I didn't see that coming. I did my thing, breathing, happy thoughts, and the anxiety was fighting back. This kind of situations makes me sad, it reminds me that I have this, that sometimes I'm not in control of my emotions, I feel weak, small...I can pass months controling, but it takes only a moment like this to ruin everything in my mind...I don't even know why it happened. In the end I tryed to see the good side, that I've controlled, no one notice, but it's not easy to remember that I'm not okay, social situations makes me nervous and anxious. It reminds me that this is for life, this is the "new" me, fighting each day, everyday... Not a good time for me now...