You better work!

So, I have a new job now. New job, new place, new people, new routine. This changes all my peace, my control of my time, it's not easy at the beginning. The first day I tried to see everything, so I can feel comfortable in this new place for my brain, my anxiety. Talking with my new colleagues so I can start trust them and feel safe here. I work in tourism, in a rural Hotel, it's a new Hotel, opens tomorrow, Thursday. I went there yesterday to see the place, it's so beautiful, so big, I loved everything in it, and that helps me because it's another reason for me to feel comfortable and calm every morning. If the hotel was...I don't know, but if I didn't had liked it for some reason, like dark places, dark colors, cold, empty... would not help my anxiety, it would make me feel nervous every day. Everything around me makes difference, people, weather, places, clothes, food, music... Everything changes the way I feel, in a second. But I'm happy, I needed this, I was without working for 6 months, and that's a lot of free time to my brain, to free time with no one to be with, and that's like poison to anxiety, easy. At the end I was very alone,  sad, not feeling in control, and when I'm not in control, the anxiety feels the opposite, it feels stronger and stronger. But now I'm better, this first days aren't easy but I feel better already.

Be grateful*
Mary Jane

How weird am I?

Since the anxiety came to my life, I became a lonely person, I spend a lot of the day alone, or with people but quiet. To be honest, I always needed my time of the day, even when I was a kid. I loved to play with my friends, be with my family, but at some point of the day, I needed my moment, my space, my loneliness. But now, with anxiety, I think I need it more, when I've spend the all day, and I mean the all day till go to bed and not even in bed, when I've spend the all day with people, I start to feel stressed, bad mood, impatient and very anxious. Is just me? Does anyone feel this need? I'm saying this now because, like you know, I went to Nazaré with my family, it was amazing, such a beautiful place, nice people, amazing beach, but I shared my room with my aunt (that I love with all my heart and soul), and I lost my moment alone for days, and that bothers me a lot. If affects me in some level that I loose some control about anxiety, but why? If is the same loneliness that hurt me before? The same loneliness that make me over-think everything? 

I'm weird...

This is Nazaré:

Weapons of love

Is very important the quality of doctors that are or will help you. On my case, I was very lucky, my doctor was very understanding, explained everything to me, taught me that everything happen on my time, refused to give me pills until I understood how strong I could be without it. And that's the point, because I see many cases that never got better, not just for a second, because they don't understand what is happening, how to deal with this new situation, they just go home, take the pills and wait, like it's a flu or something, and unfortunately is not that easy. We need to see what changed, what hurt me so made that let this damaged, then understand how my body and my mind is reacting, and how I'm gonna deal with this. This is more easy to say, because to do it is so hard...One day I feel strong enough, I believe in anything, but others days it's so hard, so lonely, so devastated, so unfair... It's hard to see that those bad days gonna be here, it's hard to accept that now this is the new me, sometimes those days become weeks, and you get more and more tired of fighting against it. But a new good day comes, a good talk with someone I love, laughing with my friends, achieving something, hugging my grandma...This loads my batteries to fight more bad days, and that's how I survived all this years. Believing. Loving. Being Loved. Seeing the small details of life.
       

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Party hard, hard for me..

So today I have a party, what's the problem? Everything is the problem. Too many people, too many hours, too many noise...It was maybe the most difficult thing that I did at the beggining, going to a party again. I've started going a few time, I was always looking around, stressed, but I was there. Then I stayed a little bit longer. If the day was a good day I stayed a little bit longer, if it was not I leave earlier, but it's okay to take a step back, do everything on your on time. It's better going a few time than not going and let the anxiety win the all thing. 

If I feel okay maybe I stay till the end, but I'm trying not to think about it (but I am thinking about it). 

What's important to me too is thinking what I'm going to dress so I can feel confortable, it really influence me, my peace, it does, really. I don't like to feel too much "stuck", you know? I like to feel that I can move, breath, feel... Maybe I'm not explaining well 

I don't know if anyone feel the same, I've never have talked about it before. And I'm a girl, so clothes are veeery important . So it's double worry for me, and double stress, and everything that it's bad, it's a double for me.
Damn, we are strong people!

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Put the anxiety on the bag!

This weekend I'm going with my family to Nazaré, I've never been there, I'm excited and nervous. Every time I leave my home for a couple days, the anxiety wakes, every single time. I try to focus on the good side, I love to travel, to meet new places, stay in a hotel room, walk on the beach (where I live there's no beach), but at the same time I feel nervous, very anxious, I don't know the places, the Hotel, my routine is different, everything around it's different, and for me that's complicated. The important thing to do is going, because when I'm there, with time, I see I'm okay and safe. But I'm happy to go, since McNamara surf there, that Nazaré is more popular, so it's time for me to go and visit. I'm going to take some pictures and share with you, because everyone says that Nazaré it's a very beautiful and unique place in Portugal. 

It's only Tuesday and I'm already with stress and anxiety, till Saturday how exhausted this is, right? But I'm a fighter, and that's what it means to be a fighter. 

This is Nazaré:


P.S. Again, I'm sorry for my English, I'm trying to do my best :)

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Thank You *

I'm so happy for having more followers, thank you so much. It's so important to me knowing that my experience can reach others, help others, and you're helping me too :) I promise I will write more often, with simple words, pure truth about my daily experience, and you may share with me yours. Please do :)

Living with anxiety it's not the worst thing in the world when you have all the support, but if you feel lonely, misunderstood, judged, it can destroy you, but now I'm here, showing you how too build tools, how to be stronger, tricks that helps me and maybe will help you too. I admit that doing this gives me a little bit of anxiety because I'm afraid of not be able to reach everyone, or not explain myself like I should...you know, fear and more fear, but I'm happy with this project, and that has more power than fear ;)

Tip of the day: silence can be your best friend when is the crowd your anxiety bomb, but sometimes it's your enemy because silence gives to your brain too much "space" to fill you of fear and stress. It happens a lot with me, so I turn on the tv, even if I don't watch it, listen some music that I like, call some one to talk, you know, something that distract you from the irracional fear.

Thank you so, so much *

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Past vs Scary Present

Sometimes I miss my old me. The one who lived 100% all the experiences, the one who traveled a lot, the one who felt strong all the time. With the anxiety I've lost a big part of who I was. I'm happy now, I've learned a lot and that changed some things in a good way, but sometimes, like today, I miss that side, that freedom. Today it's not a bad day, but it's not the best day :/ 

I need to concentrate in happy thoughts, be grateful, see all I have fought and win till today :) maybe I would take a walk, see the nature, that helps me, if I'm not too anxious to leave my confort zone, but is not the case today. Yes, maybe I will :)

Happy day to all, happy thoughts and be grateful *

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

June, be fashion to me*

It's almost summer, finally. What I love more about changing season, is change all the clothes and daily looks. It's so good, it almost feels like having a all new closet full of new clothes. My anxiety doesn't like changes, but this one does not make me anxious, so it's all good feelings. I'm a girl, of course I love clothes and fashion, but now even boys love it, so this is a good tip to everyone. In a stressing day change the closet order, think about new looks you can combine, see what you don't like that much anymore and give that to a friend or someone who needs, it's a good thing and a perfect excuse to buy something new ahah

Today, the first day of June, I chose a black and white dress, so cute, let me show you:

Do you like it? I love it, it's from H&M.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

My sweet anxiety

How crazy it is when you realize you're scared about being scared when there's nothing to be scared of? If you have anxiety disorder like me, you know what am talking about. It's the fear of fear. For me, this kind of experience are so strong and exhaustive, when I know that I'm gonna put myself in that position again I automatically panic. It's hard to learn how to control that. When you do know how to control, there is some days more difficult, and you feel it's starting all over again. Right? Like I said before, I live with this disorder in years, and everyday I learn something new, and I'm grateful of that. I'm stronger and stronger each day. I hate to live with anxiety but it's impossible to live without it, so the best I can do it's learn everyday how to deal it and be happy. I am the way I am, and I love myself today, I really do.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane


image(http://nami64.deviantart.com/art/I-love-myself-125997150)

Please Love, just Love

Today I asked myself, do I think more or feel more? I believe I think more, and that's not how it should be. What we feel it's more real, more pure, maybe more innocent, fragile...When we think everything, we plan everything, we kinda control everything. But when we feel more, we are a free spirit. How free am I? 

Live the way you feel is the right way, not how others tell you, live the way you think it's gonna feel better inside, your believes, the way you see the world, your way, because in the end of the day you live with yourself, your feelings, your self love. Those who judge instead of trying to understand, those who hate, who push you down, those have not more power than you, then shouldn't have. 

Everyday I'm grateful of who I am, what I have and who I have with me. Am different? Yes. Am I difficult to deal with?Yes. But am I worth it to try? Hell yes I am. Like you, and all of you who think you deserve to be alone and not loved, yes you do. You made a mistake? It's okay, tomorrow it's a new day, start again. It's too late? It's never too late to do thing right, tomorrow it's always a new day, forgive, fight, scream, cry, run, do anything that release you and then start again. And again, and again, till you FEEL complete. Anxiety disorder taught me something good, if you are in peace with yourself, you're in peace with the world. It's never too late to find that peace. Try.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane