Good Love, Bad Love?

How hard it is to fall in love? Or is just me? Maybe I don't trust people enough to fall in love. Maybe I'm so focus in me, in my recovery everyday, and I forgot how to love. Is that possible? I guess it is, maybe... I've fall in love before, but not since I have the anxiety disorder. I really believe it's because I don't give other the chance to be closer to me, because I'm afraid of be hurt, or because I just don't feel prepare to let someone be in my life, be part of me. Sometime I feel alone, I miss those love feelings I guess. I'm afraid that if I let someone get closer to me, that he can't deal with me, with my situation, with my stupid fears of everything, and I get hurt and everything gets worst. But again, it's all my stupid fears. This is life, love, get hurt, get up and love again. No one is in love with the absolute sure that everything is gonna be perfect. I know that.

It's hard to understand what I want and what is the best for me.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Be good to me *

Am I the only one who believes in good energies? Like being with good people, enjoy a beautiful sunny day, help someone, those things bring good energies to me. I really believe that. Places full of good memories, moments with those I love, listen the perfect music, smell the perfume that remembers you someone you miss...this kind of things bring such good energy to my day, my life. If something bad is happening, you can help yourself being surrounded of things that gives you good energies. Positivity brings more positivity. It's like Karma, if you do good, you receive good. You know what I think it bring good energies too? A good movie. A movie with a story that gives you faith, laugh, great memories, good emotions.  Maybe you relate to the story, the character, and the perfect end gives you hope. Or maybe this is just me, because I'm addicted to cinema. I'm always waiting for some movie, now I really want to see Noah, maybe I'll see it this weekend, I hope so. Did you saw it already? How great it is? It's enormous, I know!!! 

This year I'm going to Algarve on Easter. It's good to me, going to the beach, relax, take a walk, it's good to my anxiety. When I was in Porto the weather was so bad that I didn't even took a picture, so in Algarve I'm hoping taking some photos, and put one or two here on my blog. 

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

It's not Black and White anymore

Remember that time when you did everything you wanted, with no stupid fears and anxiety that now makes you give up of everything? How good it felt, to be free? How bad you miss that days? I think about that a lot, I think about all the trips I did, all the concerts, parties, vacations with friends. I miss that, I miss that so bad...It's time to have my life back. I'm in a good way, I am fighting this anxiety like I never though I could, I'm stronger each day. 

I still don't have any call for a job interview, I know this things take some time, but I'm not that optimist. Patient it's not a quality in me, it's a lost treasure. Now that I saw that I'm strong enough to do it, to move to Porto and start a new life, I really need a job, because without money it's impossible. Economy it's so bad, everyone needs a job, a lot of young people are fighting like me, it's difficult to even get a interview. I'm praying everyday. 

I think I already said that I love nails art, if I didn't, I did now. I paint my nails by myself, I love to do it, and I think I'm good at it. Doing thing that I love to do, really calms me down. Think about what you enjoy to do, and do it, anytime you feel you need it, it works for me, distract my thoughts, relax me and makes me happy.
Easter it's almost here, last year I did this nails art:

                                         

It's not perfect, but I think it's good, I loved it.That is my hand, and I did all by myself.
Yesterday I saw this one on Instagram:

I think they are so beautiful, maybe I'll do the same on my nails next time. Now I just have purple nails, with no art, just simple. It's one of those colors I bought the other day. It's this color:

                                           

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

I'm not my Anxiety

Living with anxiety it's something that not everyone understand. Some people say we do what we do because we are making a scene, we want attention, or something like this. Sometimes this kind of people are our friends, our family, and sometimes they just say that because they don't know what anxiety disorder is. So, talk to them, explain what it is, how you feel, tell them to search some information. When they know, when they understand better, they can help you, they can help you fight your fears, and control the anxiety in some situations. Those who really loves you and care about you, will do this, for you. People told me a lot that this was nothing, "please don't make a scene" they said, because they didn't know how hard and difficult it is to live with this, but since they  know, it's better for me because they help me a lot, and for them because they understand me now. Some didn't care, so I don't care about them anymore, the real friends were by my side since the beginning, 4 years ago, till now. All my family were very supportive, I'm very blessed for that. Some don't understand that much, but they don't judged me, and support me no matter what. That helped me, I felt that I was not alone, and I'm sure that if you stop and look around, you'll realize you're not alone too. You can do what you thing you can't. I know how that feels, I thought I've lost the control of my life, and I did for some time. But I've got stronger and stronger, baby steps but very important steps, and today I still have this disorder, but I'm the one who have the control. Some days it's difficult to think so positive like today, but day by day it's gonna be better, until the positive vibe come back to me. The best thing I can say to all of you is that you are not alone, please realize that, maybe it seems not a big deal, but believe me it's huge for us.

The sun it's back, I'm so happy, please stay forever! It's not so good for my allergies but and don't care, I'm tired of winter. Welcome back Spring.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Spring Vibe

It's good to be back home. I've really loved this days in Porto, but home it's always better. When I travel, I feel something new in me, maybe my energy, my spirit, I don't know. It's a good feeling. 

This year the spring collection it's so beautiful, with so much colors and forms. I saw a lot of clothes with fruits, I loved it, so cute. My clothes are very colorful, different and girly. Stores like Bershka, H&M, Primark and Zara, not that expensive and they have the most cute collection this year.

I felt in love with this leggins from Bershka:

                                                           With this blazer from H&M:

And this from Primark:

I'm hoping the weather get better now, today it was a little sunny, maybe tomorrow it's better and winter may finally go away till December. Please!
My anxiety it's controlled, I'm in a very happy place right now, so this is a moment of zero anxiety. That's why I really want you to know that fight against your fears is very important, hard I know, but you deserve this peace sometimes. Please be strong, take your time and face it. You're not alone.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Yes, I'm weird.

If everyone tells you that you're weird and different, that's the best thing that they can say to you. Because being yourself is your freedom, be what you love to be, it's weird for those who judge, but they don't matter. I like to have my hair in different colors, red was my favorite so far, but now I'm blond. I love everything that it's vintage, sunglasses, bags, anything. I have those:

I love them so much!

A lot of people tell me that I'm different, but that makes me feel good, special, unique. I really don't care if I'm judged, at all. I love my family, love my friends, I'm a good daughter, sister, friend, human being, and that's what matter, not what I'm dressing, or my hair, or my tattoos (I have 5 tattoos now). The more you love your differences, the more I admire you. Be who you are, be proud, don't change your real you for some small minds. I guess I'm in Gaga mode now LOL but it's really what I think and how I live.
So Porto. It's really, really bad weather here this two days, raining all the time. I didn't have any pictures yet, but I promise I will. I've visited some companies, hoping get a job interview soon.
My anxiety it's very controlled today, I was so happy yesterday that I believe that gave me a lot of peace with myself. Please fight for you, for your life, your freedom from anxiety, the moment you do, your life change. I know it's not a cure, but it's a big achievement for me and my own cause.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Because I'm Happy

I just can't believe that I did it. I'm here, out of my comfort zone, by myself, for the first time in 4 years. It was not easy, the anxiety tried to make me give up, it was really on top, bad anxiety, but I said to my self "I'm better than this, I'm stronger, I need this." Now I have the most peaceful feeling and so happy for me. So what I tell is, take your time, and when you feel ready do it, fight it, you can do this, you deserve this good feeling. Now I see that I could do this sooner, but now it was the time that I felt stronger. It's very important that you do it in you own time, it's okay to try again, but never give up.
I'm loving being here, I met a lot of new people, I'm so happy and tired, because of the anxiety I didn't slept last night.
I'm gonna sleep now, proud and happy :)
Tomorrow I'm gonna try to find a job, wish me luck !

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Oh God...

It's tomorrow...can you believe it? I can't. Tomorrow I'm gonna travel alone, stay out of my comfort zone for four days, for the very first time, this is so huge for me, and scary. I'm really nervous, I know I need this, but it's so hard. I just want to close my eyes and when opened it's Sunday, I'm back home and very happy for my success. But that's not possible, if I wanna feel it, I need to fight for it. I hate anxiety, and for sure she hates me too LOL but I'm stronger.
I've got big plans for this days out. I hope I can meet beautiful places, see great things, buy something new for me, and it would be perfect if I get a job interview, I really hope so.
You know what I love? Photos. I love photos because it's more than a memory, it's a feeling, an emotion, a story, oh I don't know, I love it. A perfect photo on the wall, like for example a family portrait, when you see your clothes and your hair when you were little, it's so great, so funny. A memory it's yours, you can explain to me but in my head it's gonna be different, but a photo it's more. This days in Porto gonna be a very important memory, good memory, so I'm gonna take some pictures, maybe I'll show here some. Share my pure good memory with you, the day I fought my fears.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Hello April

A new month starts. I do so much promises on the first day of each month, but I never change anything, it's like new years resolutions, but every month. But this month has something new, me going alone to Porto, and that it's a BIG change for me and my anxiety. Today is Tuesday, so it's almost here the big day, oh God, the anxiety it's bigger and bigger. What I do is think about how great feeling I'm going to feel Sunday, the day I'll be back home, It really helps to calm the anxiety a little. I also organize my thoughts, like files, very good thoughts, happy thoughts, positive thoughts and only in the end the stressful thoughts, and those are only for one minute. For someone that doesn't have anxiety disorder, this may look easy and simple, mas it's not, it's really hard for me to control my emotions and fears, it's difficult to learn that, but not impossible :)
It's so cold outside, always raining, if the sun was shining everything were more easy, I don't about you, but sunny days calm me down a lot.
I love nail polish, I'm always painting my nails, it's my thing lol Today I bought 5 new colors, my favorite so far it's this one:

What you think? That's not my hand, btw, it's from Google. I love it **
When I put the other polish in my nails, I'll show here the colors.
(Again, sorry about my English)

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane