So...I made a list

Some things that gives me anxiety:

- Travelling

- Sleeping away from home

- Being sorrounded by strangers

- Feeling locked, kind of claustrophobia

- Going to the hospital, doctor appointment...

- Problems with my family, if people around me are not okay and relaxed, I'm not okay and very anxious

- Going to a bar if I didn't was there before or if I didn't went there in a long time, I need a confort zone everywhere

- Being sick

- Being tired

- Start a new relationship, to me was impossible for 5 years...too scared, too anxious, too emotional. I'm in a relationship now, some days are better, some are harder, some are the worst...you know, it's not easy to be with someone when you're not okay, because when I'm anxious I'm not a nice person lol I'm so cold and distant :/ 

- Fighting with my friends and family, or anyone, fighting stresses me a lot and I only think about that all the time, very stressfull

- Jobs interviews

This are just examples, I'm a very anxious person, little things can affect me, if a client calls, the boss calls, being late, if I don't sleep enough time... That's the problem with anxiety, it's everywhere, and people don't understand how hard it is to live like this. The truth is that sometime I'm very very anxious because i'm afraid of being anxious...yes...that's right...

Brand new me

Am I gonna be who I was before anxiety?

Am I gonna live the way I did before anxiety?

Am I gonna love like I loved before anxiety?

Does this change us, and the world around, us forever?

I don't know who I'm gonna be tomorrow, I know who I was, a girl with so much energy and courage and life inside of her, so damn free! And I know who I am today, a women with fears, but strong, with dreams but no wings to fly that high, but I know that this illness made me a better human being. I don't live as free as I wish I would, this anxiety makes me live with small steps, but I'm still walking. Walk with me :) I changed, yes, a lot, I'm not the same person, I grew, I feel more, the good and the bad, you know it. But now, that I know again who I am, I don't fight against it anymore, I live with anxiety, I love with anxiety and I fly too. Yes. it's possible, not easy, not in two days, it took me years to embrace this, to learn and to love myself again. I changed, yes, but as a spirit, as a human, I'm better, I'm cleaner. My faith helped me, and helps me everyday, I'm very blessed, I have anxiety, I know, I'm scared to leave the house sometimes, I know, I cry so many times by myself, I know, but I'm alive!!! I'm very loved.

I'm not the same person because of anxiety, but I'm still the same grateful spirit.

MaryJane

I feel you

Do you know that feeling when you listen someone saying they live with anxiety too? Oh my God I feel so emotional, like you share something already, and it feels good to know that maybe you're normal because that person looked pretty normal to you seconds before, so maybe you look that normal to the world. You feel that too? I'm not saying I'm happy because I met someone in pain like me, but it does feel good to know someone who does understand, because people are nice and try to be there for you, but you know, they don't understand, they love you, thank God they're here with us, but they don't understand. So, this is why I feel good to know that somewhere in the world, my country, my town, my building...is someone who understand, thank you to everyone who shares, who explain what this is...thank you ❤️


MaryJane

My heart exists

I'm in love! Wow...can you imagine this crazy anxious brain in love? I can't...Since the day I had this disorder I saw that I could not deal with these kind of feelings, you know? I couldn't even deal with me, my fears and dramas. But it happened, natural and slowly, but it happened. I have someone in my life now, someone who knows every single detail about this disorder so he is prepare for all my weirdness ahah he realy is okay with it, I guess he realy loves me :) I'm scared, big time scared, most of all I'm scared that the day this ends I have a break down and take a steps back...so scared...but I know now that it's okay to take that risk, it's better the risk and live a little, or safe and die inside. I take this risk, sometimes I'm strong and confident, sometimes I'm more anxious and more scared, can't see if it's worth it or not...but a good day comes and I get stronger again :)
I need to start living, baby steps :) but living!
December it's my favorite month, because I'm so addicted to Christmas, omg, you have no idea. Still not having a job, but still believing. God bless all the love I have around me, here in my page, my house, my home town...love everywhere. Thank you so much. Love you all. Damn, I'm in love ahah

Mary Jane

Now what?

I lost my job yesterday, just because, with no explanation, nothing. Don't know what to think or feel, I though I had my life going on good way, and now and don't know what to do. I'm so sad, so anxious so lost... Now what? I'm already fighting and looking for a new job but I'm not positive at all. It seems like life is always testing me, everytime I have something controled, everytime I am okay and happy something happens that change my mood, my peace. Anxiety it's trying to get me till I lose it, I'm still strong but I don't know for how long. Faith and love, my powerfull resource, but I'm sad and really lost... One day before another, baby steps, I know. 

Girl, you need to calm down...

How I feel now it's not a garantee that I'll be okay the next second. My mood change so quickly and sometimes for no big reason. In a second I'm fine and confident, next second everything bothers me, and when I realize that I get so frustrated and more mad. I try to control it but I can't, if I remember something that makes me anxious I hate everything around me. Like for example, I'm going out with my friends, happy and calm, if something bothers me, even just a little bit, I lost it, the night is over for me, I'm there but I'm not present, I'm just thinking and thinking and mad and thinking a little bit more. I hate everything that takes the control from me, and I don't realize that being mad about losing the control makes me losing it even more. For me, this is the worst to control, I see it but I can't change it. This ruins most of the events that I used to go, most of the things I loved to do. In the end I feel very sorry for my reaction, for ruin everything, but in the moment I don't see that. I know I have a temper, but now with anxiety it's worst, because now it's for nothing sometimes. I had times that I even lost great trips, just because I thought about stupid possibilities and I lost the control and I just didn't went. I don't know if someone feels the same or is just me, because I'm not talking about getting a anxiety crises, I'm talking about getting a stupid attitude, only because you think you are avoid the anxiety. Well, you're not.

Mary Jane

Wait...what?!

Everything was okay, I was calm, happy, going to see a movie, great day, all good things...and then, from nowhere the anxiety appears, I star to feel my hands shaking and all sweat, started to feel claustrophobic and looking around all the time, my body changed in a second, but why? The others experience had a reason, but this time I didn't see that coming. I did my thing, breathing, happy thoughts, and the anxiety was fighting back. This kind of situations makes me sad, it reminds me that I have this, that sometimes I'm not in control of my emotions, I feel weak, small...I can pass months controling, but it takes only a moment like this to ruin everything in my mind...I don't even know why it happened. In the end I tryed to see the good side, that I've controlled, no one notice, but it's not easy to remember that I'm not okay, social situations makes me nervous and anxious. It reminds me that this is for life, this is the "new" me, fighting each day, everyday... Not a good time for me now...