My evil brain

Do you remember the last day of your life without anxiety? The last day you lived before anxiety? I don't... To be honest, I struggle with anxiety since I was a little girl. Not as a disorder like now, but it was there already, not normal anxiety, since ever... I remember overthinking everything, in silence, in secret. I remember being alone, crying for over thinking a situation, and I already knew that it wasn't normal, so I didn't told anyone. Wow, just thinking about it now...Such a strong and sad memory... How can a child live like this? In secret...why? I realy don't know. I have the best family support ever, absolutly no reason to suffer in silence, or even to suffer at all... Growing up was building this disorder, like feeding it till it grew to the monster it is now. Like you can guess, writing this is making me very, very anxious...thinking about what I've caused to my life, my little me... See how this brain works? So dangerous... Likely I have tools now, to control it...a little....but enough...I guess. I think about my past everyday, as a critic evaluation, a guilty one too. I shouldn't, it's not healthy, but my thoughts and my overthinking it's my worst enemy in this war. I had fears, I had nightmares, and I still do, but my first enemy to fight anxiety, it's the overthinking. Yes, I try the happy thoughts, good memories, good feelings, but sometimes I can't...It's like having two brains and one does not love me that much LOL you know? And it's hard too ignore the evil brain, and the more I see how hard it is, louder it becomes... 

Be kind...

MaryJane

50 shades of anxiety

Let's be reaaaly honest here, I'm I the only one anxious with anything like sex, touching, being naked in front of someone? In the beggining of my anxiety disorder, this was a major, major problem, I stopped dating, seeing anyone, my love life died, for years, yes, years...that didn't help the rest, like self-esteem, social anxiety, I lost a lot of weight and I'm a slim person... Today I'm in a very healthy relation, but it's not 100% okay, it still makes me anxious but in a very low level, it took me a lot of trust with him, I told him everything he understood and helped a lot, still today... I don't know if this is a normal thing with anxiety, I didn't asked my therapist at the time, was too ashamed, really, but happened to me in my experience with this disorder. Like in others situations, I'm still fighting and getting better. Somedays I feel better and almost anxiety sex free (ahah is this real?) but others I still can't do it...I don't feel okay with my body and mind...it's so hard to explain...I hope anyone here can understand what I mean. in a very anxious day, with attacks and all, sex is out, it's impossible for me to get involve like that with another human being when the only thing I want is to be alone, shut the world. I wonder what this does to my relation, how a make him feel... I have good sex, amazing sex, but people don't know idea how this disorder changed my private life, the truth is this disorder changed everything in my life...I'm a all new person, a all new woman.

MaryJane

So...I made a list

Some things that gives me anxiety:

- Travelling

- Sleeping away from home

- Being sorrounded by strangers

- Feeling locked, kind of claustrophobia

- Going to the hospital, doctor appointment...

- Problems with my family, if people around me are not okay and relaxed, I'm not okay and very anxious

- Going to a bar if I didn't was there before or if I didn't went there in a long time, I need a confort zone everywhere

- Being sick

- Being tired

- Start a new relationship, to me was impossible for 5 years...too scared, too anxious, too emotional. I'm in a relationship now, some days are better, some are harder, some are the worst...you know, it's not easy to be with someone when you're not okay, because when I'm anxious I'm not a nice person lol I'm so cold and distant :/ 

- Fighting with my friends and family, or anyone, fighting stresses me a lot and I only think about that all the time, very stressfull

- Jobs interviews

This are just examples, I'm a very anxious person, little things can affect me, if a client calls, the boss calls, being late, if I don't sleep enough time... That's the problem with anxiety, it's everywhere, and people don't understand how hard it is to live like this. The truth is that sometime I'm very very anxious because i'm afraid of being anxious...yes...that's right...

Brand new me

Am I gonna be who I was before anxiety?

Am I gonna live the way I did before anxiety?

Am I gonna love like I loved before anxiety?

Does this change us, and the world around, us forever?

I don't know who I'm gonna be tomorrow, I know who I was, a girl with so much energy and courage and life inside of her, so damn free! And I know who I am today, a women with fears, but strong, with dreams but no wings to fly that high, but I know that this illness made me a better human being. I don't live as free as I wish I would, this anxiety makes me live with small steps, but I'm still walking. Walk with me :) I changed, yes, a lot, I'm not the same person, I grew, I feel more, the good and the bad, you know it. But now, that I know again who I am, I don't fight against it anymore, I live with anxiety, I love with anxiety and I fly too. Yes. it's possible, not easy, not in two days, it took me years to embrace this, to learn and to love myself again. I changed, yes, but as a spirit, as a human, I'm better, I'm cleaner. My faith helped me, and helps me everyday, I'm very blessed, I have anxiety, I know, I'm scared to leave the house sometimes, I know, I cry so many times by myself, I know, but I'm alive!!! I'm very loved.

I'm not the same person because of anxiety, but I'm still the same grateful spirit.

MaryJane

I feel you

Do you know that feeling when you listen someone saying they live with anxiety too? Oh my God I feel so emotional, like you share something already, and it feels good to know that maybe you're normal because that person looked pretty normal to you seconds before, so maybe you look that normal to the world. You feel that too? I'm not saying I'm happy because I met someone in pain like me, but it does feel good to know someone who does understand, because people are nice and try to be there for you, but you know, they don't understand, they love you, thank God they're here with us, but they don't understand. So, this is why I feel good to know that somewhere in the world, my country, my town, my building...is someone who understand, thank you to everyone who shares, who explain what this is...thank you ❤️


MaryJane

My heart exists

I'm in love! Wow...can you imagine this crazy anxious brain in love? I can't...Since the day I had this disorder I saw that I could not deal with these kind of feelings, you know? I couldn't even deal with me, my fears and dramas. But it happened, natural and slowly, but it happened. I have someone in my life now, someone who knows every single detail about this disorder so he is prepare for all my weirdness ahah he realy is okay with it, I guess he realy loves me :) I'm scared, big time scared, most of all I'm scared that the day this ends I have a break down and take a steps back...so scared...but I know now that it's okay to take that risk, it's better the risk and live a little, or safe and die inside. I take this risk, sometimes I'm strong and confident, sometimes I'm more anxious and more scared, can't see if it's worth it or not...but a good day comes and I get stronger again :)
I need to start living, baby steps :) but living!
December it's my favorite month, because I'm so addicted to Christmas, omg, you have no idea. Still not having a job, but still believing. God bless all the love I have around me, here in my page, my house, my home town...love everywhere. Thank you so much. Love you all. Damn, I'm in love ahah

Mary Jane

Now what?

I lost my job yesterday, just because, with no explanation, nothing. Don't know what to think or feel, I though I had my life going on good way, and now and don't know what to do. I'm so sad, so anxious so lost... Now what? I'm already fighting and looking for a new job but I'm not positive at all. It seems like life is always testing me, everytime I have something controled, everytime I am okay and happy something happens that change my mood, my peace. Anxiety it's trying to get me till I lose it, I'm still strong but I don't know for how long. Faith and love, my powerfull resource, but I'm sad and really lost... One day before another, baby steps, I know. 

Girl, you need to calm down...

How I feel now it's not a garantee that I'll be okay the next second. My mood change so quickly and sometimes for no big reason. In a second I'm fine and confident, next second everything bothers me, and when I realize that I get so frustrated and more mad. I try to control it but I can't, if I remember something that makes me anxious I hate everything around me. Like for example, I'm going out with my friends, happy and calm, if something bothers me, even just a little bit, I lost it, the night is over for me, I'm there but I'm not present, I'm just thinking and thinking and mad and thinking a little bit more. I hate everything that takes the control from me, and I don't realize that being mad about losing the control makes me losing it even more. For me, this is the worst to control, I see it but I can't change it. This ruins most of the events that I used to go, most of the things I loved to do. In the end I feel very sorry for my reaction, for ruin everything, but in the moment I don't see that. I know I have a temper, but now with anxiety it's worst, because now it's for nothing sometimes. I had times that I even lost great trips, just because I thought about stupid possibilities and I lost the control and I just didn't went. I don't know if someone feels the same or is just me, because I'm not talking about getting a anxiety crises, I'm talking about getting a stupid attitude, only because you think you are avoid the anxiety. Well, you're not.

Mary Jane

Wait...what?!

Everything was okay, I was calm, happy, going to see a movie, great day, all good things...and then, from nowhere the anxiety appears, I star to feel my hands shaking and all sweat, started to feel claustrophobic and looking around all the time, my body changed in a second, but why? The others experience had a reason, but this time I didn't see that coming. I did my thing, breathing, happy thoughts, and the anxiety was fighting back. This kind of situations makes me sad, it reminds me that I have this, that sometimes I'm not in control of my emotions, I feel weak, small...I can pass months controling, but it takes only a moment like this to ruin everything in my mind...I don't even know why it happened. In the end I tryed to see the good side, that I've controlled, no one notice, but it's not easy to remember that I'm not okay, social situations makes me nervous and anxious. It reminds me that this is for life, this is the "new" me, fighting each day, everyday... Not a good time for me now... 

I see you, but you don't see me!

Why does anxiety cares so much about others? What they think, what they see when they look at me, if they judge me for my wierd behavior sometimes...Before all this I didn't care this much, and now in a good day I still don't, but in a bad day, a very anxious day, everything is important. And that gives me a lot of anxiety because my brain it's allways thinking in 10000 things at the same time. So, this little smart anxiety works in a way that gives it more and more power. 

I would love that people that I call "normal", could see how I live every single day of my life since this started. They don't see it, they don't understand, they look at me and what they see is a normal woman, more quite and lonely sometimes, asking why I did changed so much, and they never understand. I've tryed to explain more then once, but they just can't understand, just me and you, who lives with this, who wakes up everyday with fear because we just don't know If we gonna make it, leave the house, speak to different people, drive, eat, work...be a person. No one out of this, knows how brave we are, how tired we are sometimes but still fighting. A disease it's not just something that you look at me and you see it, sometimes it's something you need to feel it, with me, live it, with me. But how? How can someone see it like us? I'm not talking about support, understanding and be patient with me. No. I'm talking about feeling my disease, my war. 

How? 

Mary Jane

I'm not allowed to love

The past made me suffer. That past made me a new person, and I don't think I agree with this new me, but I understand. That past made me be so scared of love, being in love, because it took me so much time to rebuild myself, that now the idea of losing it brings panic. Love brings good things, magic feeling, mas the only thing I can see is that love makes me dependent, my happiness is in someones hands, if he loves me back, if he called me today, if you fight...You see? My happiness is no longer in my control, and that idea gives me anxiety, fear. So I don't wanna be too close of someone. I love my family but I closed a little, my friends are a big support, I would do anything to help them but I don't talk about myself anymore, I don't ask for help if I need it, I don't talk for hours about my problems and concerns...I listen, each one, they trust me a lot, but I don't do the same...not anymore. I understand this is a way that my brain thinks is protecting me, but at what point is this saving me? Helping me? I deserve to be happy, to build my family, it's my dream to be a mom, but now, how? I tryed to start slowly, but when I feel the person is too close, I panic, my anxiety explode and just put this fears in my head and is so exhausting that I just give up. I'm not in a relationship for 4 years now...didn't felt in love, no more, because it's impossible for me to connect with someone at that point. I know it all depends on me, but it's hard to change a habit that puts you in a confort zone...

Mary Jane

Open the book...page 1

I've never told my family that I have anxiety disorder. They know I'm very anxious, nervous, they know I was in treatment for some months, they are very supportive, but I've never said it, with all the words...Why? I don't know...maybe because I thought at that point that was no need for that, I was in control and I felt strong enough to not ask for help anymore. Like I said before in this blog, I need my space, my time alone, I've never shared my feelings that much, and I believe that help the anxiety win some wars against me. I really think is important to open and say it all, to all your close ones. I didn't and at the beggining was hard, hide the anxiety during a family dinner, for example, I had no need to suffer that, it was enough all the rest, I could be more helped and supported back then...Now I see that, how important it is to be 100% honest with those who just want to help you, your recovery... Three years past since my last appointment with my doctor, now how do I start this conversation without scaring them? "why tell now if she hided this for years?"... Well, I don't feel like I've hided, I didn't opened my book 100%, so they can read my story, you know? I don't lie if they ask me something, I just don't take the first step...never did...

Mary Jane

You better work!

So, I have a new job now. New job, new place, new people, new routine. This changes all my peace, my control of my time, it's not easy at the beginning. The first day I tried to see everything, so I can feel comfortable in this new place for my brain, my anxiety. Talking with my new colleagues so I can start trust them and feel safe here. I work in tourism, in a rural Hotel, it's a new Hotel, opens tomorrow, Thursday. I went there yesterday to see the place, it's so beautiful, so big, I loved everything in it, and that helps me because it's another reason for me to feel comfortable and calm every morning. If the hotel was...I don't know, but if I didn't had liked it for some reason, like dark places, dark colors, cold, empty... would not help my anxiety, it would make me feel nervous every day. Everything around me makes difference, people, weather, places, clothes, food, music... Everything changes the way I feel, in a second. But I'm happy, I needed this, I was without working for 6 months, and that's a lot of free time to my brain, to free time with no one to be with, and that's like poison to anxiety, easy. At the end I was very alone,  sad, not feeling in control, and when I'm not in control, the anxiety feels the opposite, it feels stronger and stronger. But now I'm better, this first days aren't easy but I feel better already.

Be grateful*
Mary Jane

How weird am I?

Since the anxiety came to my life, I became a lonely person, I spend a lot of the day alone, or with people but quiet. To be honest, I always needed my time of the day, even when I was a kid. I loved to play with my friends, be with my family, but at some point of the day, I needed my moment, my space, my loneliness. But now, with anxiety, I think I need it more, when I've spend the all day, and I mean the all day till go to bed and not even in bed, when I've spend the all day with people, I start to feel stressed, bad mood, impatient and very anxious. Is just me? Does anyone feel this need? I'm saying this now because, like you know, I went to Nazaré with my family, it was amazing, such a beautiful place, nice people, amazing beach, but I shared my room with my aunt (that I love with all my heart and soul), and I lost my moment alone for days, and that bothers me a lot. If affects me in some level that I loose some control about anxiety, but why? If is the same loneliness that hurt me before? The same loneliness that make me over-think everything? 

I'm weird...

This is Nazaré:

Weapons of love

Is very important the quality of doctors that are or will help you. On my case, I was very lucky, my doctor was very understanding, explained everything to me, taught me that everything happen on my time, refused to give me pills until I understood how strong I could be without it. And that's the point, because I see many cases that never got better, not just for a second, because they don't understand what is happening, how to deal with this new situation, they just go home, take the pills and wait, like it's a flu or something, and unfortunately is not that easy. We need to see what changed, what hurt me so made that let this damaged, then understand how my body and my mind is reacting, and how I'm gonna deal with this. This is more easy to say, because to do it is so hard...One day I feel strong enough, I believe in anything, but others days it's so hard, so lonely, so devastated, so unfair... It's hard to see that those bad days gonna be here, it's hard to accept that now this is the new me, sometimes those days become weeks, and you get more and more tired of fighting against it. But a new good day comes, a good talk with someone I love, laughing with my friends, achieving something, hugging my grandma...This loads my batteries to fight more bad days, and that's how I survived all this years. Believing. Loving. Being Loved. Seeing the small details of life.
       

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Party hard, hard for me..

So today I have a party, what's the problem? Everything is the problem. Too many people, too many hours, too many noise...It was maybe the most difficult thing that I did at the beggining, going to a party again. I've started going a few time, I was always looking around, stressed, but I was there. Then I stayed a little bit longer. If the day was a good day I stayed a little bit longer, if it was not I leave earlier, but it's okay to take a step back, do everything on your on time. It's better going a few time than not going and let the anxiety win the all thing. 

If I feel okay maybe I stay till the end, but I'm trying not to think about it (but I am thinking about it). 

What's important to me too is thinking what I'm going to dress so I can feel confortable, it really influence me, my peace, it does, really. I don't like to feel too much "stuck", you know? I like to feel that I can move, breath, feel... Maybe I'm not explaining well 

I don't know if anyone feel the same, I've never have talked about it before. And I'm a girl, so clothes are veeery important . So it's double worry for me, and double stress, and everything that it's bad, it's a double for me.
Damn, we are strong people!

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Put the anxiety on the bag!

This weekend I'm going with my family to Nazaré, I've never been there, I'm excited and nervous. Every time I leave my home for a couple days, the anxiety wakes, every single time. I try to focus on the good side, I love to travel, to meet new places, stay in a hotel room, walk on the beach (where I live there's no beach), but at the same time I feel nervous, very anxious, I don't know the places, the Hotel, my routine is different, everything around it's different, and for me that's complicated. The important thing to do is going, because when I'm there, with time, I see I'm okay and safe. But I'm happy to go, since McNamara surf there, that Nazaré is more popular, so it's time for me to go and visit. I'm going to take some pictures and share with you, because everyone says that Nazaré it's a very beautiful and unique place in Portugal. 

It's only Tuesday and I'm already with stress and anxiety, till Saturday how exhausted this is, right? But I'm a fighter, and that's what it means to be a fighter. 

This is Nazaré:


P.S. Again, I'm sorry for my English, I'm trying to do my best :)

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Thank You *

I'm so happy for having more followers, thank you so much. It's so important to me knowing that my experience can reach others, help others, and you're helping me too :) I promise I will write more often, with simple words, pure truth about my daily experience, and you may share with me yours. Please do :)

Living with anxiety it's not the worst thing in the world when you have all the support, but if you feel lonely, misunderstood, judged, it can destroy you, but now I'm here, showing you how too build tools, how to be stronger, tricks that helps me and maybe will help you too. I admit that doing this gives me a little bit of anxiety because I'm afraid of not be able to reach everyone, or not explain myself like I should...you know, fear and more fear, but I'm happy with this project, and that has more power than fear ;)

Tip of the day: silence can be your best friend when is the crowd your anxiety bomb, but sometimes it's your enemy because silence gives to your brain too much "space" to fill you of fear and stress. It happens a lot with me, so I turn on the tv, even if I don't watch it, listen some music that I like, call some one to talk, you know, something that distract you from the irracional fear.

Thank you so, so much *

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Past vs Scary Present

Sometimes I miss my old me. The one who lived 100% all the experiences, the one who traveled a lot, the one who felt strong all the time. With the anxiety I've lost a big part of who I was. I'm happy now, I've learned a lot and that changed some things in a good way, but sometimes, like today, I miss that side, that freedom. Today it's not a bad day, but it's not the best day :/ 

I need to concentrate in happy thoughts, be grateful, see all I have fought and win till today :) maybe I would take a walk, see the nature, that helps me, if I'm not too anxious to leave my confort zone, but is not the case today. Yes, maybe I will :)

Happy day to all, happy thoughts and be grateful *

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

June, be fashion to me*

It's almost summer, finally. What I love more about changing season, is change all the clothes and daily looks. It's so good, it almost feels like having a all new closet full of new clothes. My anxiety doesn't like changes, but this one does not make me anxious, so it's all good feelings. I'm a girl, of course I love clothes and fashion, but now even boys love it, so this is a good tip to everyone. In a stressing day change the closet order, think about new looks you can combine, see what you don't like that much anymore and give that to a friend or someone who needs, it's a good thing and a perfect excuse to buy something new ahah

Today, the first day of June, I chose a black and white dress, so cute, let me show you:

Do you like it? I love it, it's from H&M.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane