I see you, but you don't see me!

Why does anxiety cares so much about others? What they think, what they see when they look at me, if they judge me for my wierd behavior sometimes...Before all this I didn't care this much, and now in a good day I still don't, but in a bad day, a very anxious day, everything is important. And that gives me a lot of anxiety because my brain it's allways thinking in 10000 things at the same time. So, this little smart anxiety works in a way that gives it more and more power. 

I would love that people that I call "normal", could see how I live every single day of my life since this started. They don't see it, they don't understand, they look at me and what they see is a normal woman, more quite and lonely sometimes, asking why I did changed so much, and they never understand. I've tryed to explain more then once, but they just can't understand, just me and you, who lives with this, who wakes up everyday with fear because we just don't know If we gonna make it, leave the house, speak to different people, drive, eat, work...be a person. No one out of this, knows how brave we are, how tired we are sometimes but still fighting. A disease it's not just something that you look at me and you see it, sometimes it's something you need to feel it, with me, live it, with me. But how? How can someone see it like us? I'm not talking about support, understanding and be patient with me. No. I'm talking about feeling my disease, my war. 

How? 

Mary Jane

I'm not allowed to love

The past made me suffer. That past made me a new person, and I don't think I agree with this new me, but I understand. That past made me be so scared of love, being in love, because it took me so much time to rebuild myself, that now the idea of losing it brings panic. Love brings good things, magic feeling, mas the only thing I can see is that love makes me dependent, my happiness is in someones hands, if he loves me back, if he called me today, if you fight...You see? My happiness is no longer in my control, and that idea gives me anxiety, fear. So I don't wanna be too close of someone. I love my family but I closed a little, my friends are a big support, I would do anything to help them but I don't talk about myself anymore, I don't ask for help if I need it, I don't talk for hours about my problems and concerns...I listen, each one, they trust me a lot, but I don't do the same...not anymore. I understand this is a way that my brain thinks is protecting me, but at what point is this saving me? Helping me? I deserve to be happy, to build my family, it's my dream to be a mom, but now, how? I tryed to start slowly, but when I feel the person is too close, I panic, my anxiety explode and just put this fears in my head and is so exhausting that I just give up. I'm not in a relationship for 4 years now...didn't felt in love, no more, because it's impossible for me to connect with someone at that point. I know it all depends on me, but it's hard to change a habit that puts you in a confort zone...

Mary Jane

Open the book...page 1

I've never told my family that I have anxiety disorder. They know I'm very anxious, nervous, they know I was in treatment for some months, they are very supportive, but I've never said it, with all the words...Why? I don't know...maybe because I thought at that point that was no need for that, I was in control and I felt strong enough to not ask for help anymore. Like I said before in this blog, I need my space, my time alone, I've never shared my feelings that much, and I believe that help the anxiety win some wars against me. I really think is important to open and say it all, to all your close ones. I didn't and at the beggining was hard, hide the anxiety during a family dinner, for example, I had no need to suffer that, it was enough all the rest, I could be more helped and supported back then...Now I see that, how important it is to be 100% honest with those who just want to help you, your recovery... Three years past since my last appointment with my doctor, now how do I start this conversation without scaring them? "why tell now if she hided this for years?"... Well, I don't feel like I've hided, I didn't opened my book 100%, so they can read my story, you know? I don't lie if they ask me something, I just don't take the first step...never did...

Mary Jane

You better work!

So, I have a new job now. New job, new place, new people, new routine. This changes all my peace, my control of my time, it's not easy at the beginning. The first day I tried to see everything, so I can feel comfortable in this new place for my brain, my anxiety. Talking with my new colleagues so I can start trust them and feel safe here. I work in tourism, in a rural Hotel, it's a new Hotel, opens tomorrow, Thursday. I went there yesterday to see the place, it's so beautiful, so big, I loved everything in it, and that helps me because it's another reason for me to feel comfortable and calm every morning. If the hotel was...I don't know, but if I didn't had liked it for some reason, like dark places, dark colors, cold, empty... would not help my anxiety, it would make me feel nervous every day. Everything around me makes difference, people, weather, places, clothes, food, music... Everything changes the way I feel, in a second. But I'm happy, I needed this, I was without working for 6 months, and that's a lot of free time to my brain, to free time with no one to be with, and that's like poison to anxiety, easy. At the end I was very alone,  sad, not feeling in control, and when I'm not in control, the anxiety feels the opposite, it feels stronger and stronger. But now I'm better, this first days aren't easy but I feel better already.

Be grateful*
Mary Jane

How weird am I?

Since the anxiety came to my life, I became a lonely person, I spend a lot of the day alone, or with people but quiet. To be honest, I always needed my time of the day, even when I was a kid. I loved to play with my friends, be with my family, but at some point of the day, I needed my moment, my space, my loneliness. But now, with anxiety, I think I need it more, when I've spend the all day, and I mean the all day till go to bed and not even in bed, when I've spend the all day with people, I start to feel stressed, bad mood, impatient and very anxious. Is just me? Does anyone feel this need? I'm saying this now because, like you know, I went to Nazaré with my family, it was amazing, such a beautiful place, nice people, amazing beach, but I shared my room with my aunt (that I love with all my heart and soul), and I lost my moment alone for days, and that bothers me a lot. If affects me in some level that I loose some control about anxiety, but why? If is the same loneliness that hurt me before? The same loneliness that make me over-think everything? 

I'm weird...

This is Nazaré:

Weapons of love

Is very important the quality of doctors that are or will help you. On my case, I was very lucky, my doctor was very understanding, explained everything to me, taught me that everything happen on my time, refused to give me pills until I understood how strong I could be without it. And that's the point, because I see many cases that never got better, not just for a second, because they don't understand what is happening, how to deal with this new situation, they just go home, take the pills and wait, like it's a flu or something, and unfortunately is not that easy. We need to see what changed, what hurt me so made that let this damaged, then understand how my body and my mind is reacting, and how I'm gonna deal with this. This is more easy to say, because to do it is so hard...One day I feel strong enough, I believe in anything, but others days it's so hard, so lonely, so devastated, so unfair... It's hard to see that those bad days gonna be here, it's hard to accept that now this is the new me, sometimes those days become weeks, and you get more and more tired of fighting against it. But a new good day comes, a good talk with someone I love, laughing with my friends, achieving something, hugging my grandma...This loads my batteries to fight more bad days, and that's how I survived all this years. Believing. Loving. Being Loved. Seeing the small details of life.
       

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Party hard, hard for me..

So today I have a party, what's the problem? Everything is the problem. Too many people, too many hours, too many noise...It was maybe the most difficult thing that I did at the beggining, going to a party again. I've started going a few time, I was always looking around, stressed, but I was there. Then I stayed a little bit longer. If the day was a good day I stayed a little bit longer, if it was not I leave earlier, but it's okay to take a step back, do everything on your on time. It's better going a few time than not going and let the anxiety win the all thing. 

If I feel okay maybe I stay till the end, but I'm trying not to think about it (but I am thinking about it). 

What's important to me too is thinking what I'm going to dress so I can feel confortable, it really influence me, my peace, it does, really. I don't like to feel too much "stuck", you know? I like to feel that I can move, breath, feel... Maybe I'm not explaining well 

I don't know if anyone feel the same, I've never have talked about it before. And I'm a girl, so clothes are veeery important . So it's double worry for me, and double stress, and everything that it's bad, it's a double for me.
Damn, we are strong people!

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane