My heart exists

I'm in love! Wow...can you imagine this crazy anxious brain in love? I can't...Since the day I had this disorder I saw that I could not deal with these kind of feelings, you know? I couldn't even deal with me, my fears and dramas. But it happened, natural and slowly, but it happened. I have someone in my life now, someone who knows every single detail about this disorder so he is prepare for all my weirdness ahah he realy is okay with it, I guess he realy loves me :) I'm scared, big time scared, most of all I'm scared that the day this ends I have a break down and take a steps back...so scared...but I know now that it's okay to take that risk, it's better the risk and live a little, or safe and die inside. I take this risk, sometimes I'm strong and confident, sometimes I'm more anxious and more scared, can't see if it's worth it or not...but a good day comes and I get stronger again :)
I need to start living, baby steps :) but living!
December it's my favorite month, because I'm so addicted to Christmas, omg, you have no idea. Still not having a job, but still believing. God bless all the love I have around me, here in my page, my house, my home town...love everywhere. Thank you so much. Love you all. Damn, I'm in love ahah

Mary Jane

Now what?

I lost my job yesterday, just because, with no explanation, nothing. Don't know what to think or feel, I though I had my life going on good way, and now and don't know what to do. I'm so sad, so anxious so lost... Now what? I'm already fighting and looking for a new job but I'm not positive at all. It seems like life is always testing me, everytime I have something controled, everytime I am okay and happy something happens that change my mood, my peace. Anxiety it's trying to get me till I lose it, I'm still strong but I don't know for how long. Faith and love, my powerfull resource, but I'm sad and really lost... One day before another, baby steps, I know. 

Girl, you need to calm down...

How I feel now it's not a garantee that I'll be okay the next second. My mood change so quickly and sometimes for no big reason. In a second I'm fine and confident, next second everything bothers me, and when I realize that I get so frustrated and more mad. I try to control it but I can't, if I remember something that makes me anxious I hate everything around me. Like for example, I'm going out with my friends, happy and calm, if something bothers me, even just a little bit, I lost it, the night is over for me, I'm there but I'm not present, I'm just thinking and thinking and mad and thinking a little bit more. I hate everything that takes the control from me, and I don't realize that being mad about losing the control makes me losing it even more. For me, this is the worst to control, I see it but I can't change it. This ruins most of the events that I used to go, most of the things I loved to do. In the end I feel very sorry for my reaction, for ruin everything, but in the moment I don't see that. I know I have a temper, but now with anxiety it's worst, because now it's for nothing sometimes. I had times that I even lost great trips, just because I thought about stupid possibilities and I lost the control and I just didn't went. I don't know if someone feels the same or is just me, because I'm not talking about getting a anxiety crises, I'm talking about getting a stupid attitude, only because you think you are avoid the anxiety. Well, you're not.

Mary Jane

Wait...what?!

Everything was okay, I was calm, happy, going to see a movie, great day, all good things...and then, from nowhere the anxiety appears, I star to feel my hands shaking and all sweat, started to feel claustrophobic and looking around all the time, my body changed in a second, but why? The others experience had a reason, but this time I didn't see that coming. I did my thing, breathing, happy thoughts, and the anxiety was fighting back. This kind of situations makes me sad, it reminds me that I have this, that sometimes I'm not in control of my emotions, I feel weak, small...I can pass months controling, but it takes only a moment like this to ruin everything in my mind...I don't even know why it happened. In the end I tryed to see the good side, that I've controlled, no one notice, but it's not easy to remember that I'm not okay, social situations makes me nervous and anxious. It reminds me that this is for life, this is the "new" me, fighting each day, everyday... Not a good time for me now... 

I see you, but you don't see me!

Why does anxiety cares so much about others? What they think, what they see when they look at me, if they judge me for my wierd behavior sometimes...Before all this I didn't care this much, and now in a good day I still don't, but in a bad day, a very anxious day, everything is important. And that gives me a lot of anxiety because my brain it's allways thinking in 10000 things at the same time. So, this little smart anxiety works in a way that gives it more and more power. 

I would love that people that I call "normal", could see how I live every single day of my life since this started. They don't see it, they don't understand, they look at me and what they see is a normal woman, more quite and lonely sometimes, asking why I did changed so much, and they never understand. I've tryed to explain more then once, but they just can't understand, just me and you, who lives with this, who wakes up everyday with fear because we just don't know If we gonna make it, leave the house, speak to different people, drive, eat, work...be a person. No one out of this, knows how brave we are, how tired we are sometimes but still fighting. A disease it's not just something that you look at me and you see it, sometimes it's something you need to feel it, with me, live it, with me. But how? How can someone see it like us? I'm not talking about support, understanding and be patient with me. No. I'm talking about feeling my disease, my war. 

How? 

Mary Jane

I'm not allowed to love

The past made me suffer. That past made me a new person, and I don't think I agree with this new me, but I understand. That past made me be so scared of love, being in love, because it took me so much time to rebuild myself, that now the idea of losing it brings panic. Love brings good things, magic feeling, mas the only thing I can see is that love makes me dependent, my happiness is in someones hands, if he loves me back, if he called me today, if you fight...You see? My happiness is no longer in my control, and that idea gives me anxiety, fear. So I don't wanna be too close of someone. I love my family but I closed a little, my friends are a big support, I would do anything to help them but I don't talk about myself anymore, I don't ask for help if I need it, I don't talk for hours about my problems and concerns...I listen, each one, they trust me a lot, but I don't do the same...not anymore. I understand this is a way that my brain thinks is protecting me, but at what point is this saving me? Helping me? I deserve to be happy, to build my family, it's my dream to be a mom, but now, how? I tryed to start slowly, but when I feel the person is too close, I panic, my anxiety explode and just put this fears in my head and is so exhausting that I just give up. I'm not in a relationship for 4 years now...didn't felt in love, no more, because it's impossible for me to connect with someone at that point. I know it all depends on me, but it's hard to change a habit that puts you in a confort zone...

Mary Jane

Open the book...page 1

I've never told my family that I have anxiety disorder. They know I'm very anxious, nervous, they know I was in treatment for some months, they are very supportive, but I've never said it, with all the words...Why? I don't know...maybe because I thought at that point that was no need for that, I was in control and I felt strong enough to not ask for help anymore. Like I said before in this blog, I need my space, my time alone, I've never shared my feelings that much, and I believe that help the anxiety win some wars against me. I really think is important to open and say it all, to all your close ones. I didn't and at the beggining was hard, hide the anxiety during a family dinner, for example, I had no need to suffer that, it was enough all the rest, I could be more helped and supported back then...Now I see that, how important it is to be 100% honest with those who just want to help you, your recovery... Three years past since my last appointment with my doctor, now how do I start this conversation without scaring them? "why tell now if she hided this for years?"... Well, I don't feel like I've hided, I didn't opened my book 100%, so they can read my story, you know? I don't lie if they ask me something, I just don't take the first step...never did...

Mary Jane