Smile, sad face

Maybe because I'm young, or maybe because I'm a woman, but sometimes, like today, nothing is enough. I've got a job, finally, I have the most lovely family, fluffy friends, but it's not enough. Why? Just because. I don't know. I'm feeling like I'm not following my way, some how. I know it's probably just the anxiety saying "Hi, I'm still here, don't forget", but it's not fair for me and for those who love me and do anything for me. I feel like I should be traveling the world, working in so many different things, but I'm to dependent of my home, my blood, you know? I want that but if I do it that would not make me happy. Okay, it's probably because I'm a woman. You know, that thing that we, women, can not control, the "more" disease. More shopping, more movies, more love, more hugs, more kisses, more, more, more. 

Girl power, I guess.
Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Love me

I'm not easy to love. I know. All my life, just being love it's hard. 

I've never left people get closer, it's a little world, only mine, I feel safe here, I don't want to lose it. I was in relations before, yes, but not good or healthy relations, and that just made it worst. My last relationship broke my heart, my peace, my soul. For the first time in my life, I opened the doors, let him in, I was happy, but not for long. So, now it's almost impossible for me to trust again, to fell in love so bad that nothing else matters, like love should be. I miss that sometimes, I really do.

Living with the anxiety disorder changed everything, but not one thing, my need for my lonely side, my peace. But, for the other side, the anxiety made more afraid of loosing the control of my emotions, and that it's a stop sign for start to be in love someday. I see that, I understand that, but I don't want to fight against it, it's too comfortable right now, because now I control what I feel, I mean, my state of mind does not depend of anyone, if we're okay today, if he called me, if we had a fight, you know? When I lost the control of myself , my life, my emotion, when I was diagnosed with this disorder, it was so hard to put everything in order again, that now it's to precious to lose it, but is worth it? Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life because I'm to scare to live it? Maybe... Maybe I already love you, but it is just to much for me to realize it. Maybe I need you so bad already that scares me even more now.
Love me.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Good Love, Bad Love?

How hard it is to fall in love? Or is just me? Maybe I don't trust people enough to fall in love. Maybe I'm so focus in me, in my recovery everyday, and I forgot how to love. Is that possible? I guess it is, maybe... I've fall in love before, but not since I have the anxiety disorder. I really believe it's because I don't give other the chance to be closer to me, because I'm afraid of be hurt, or because I just don't feel prepare to let someone be in my life, be part of me. Sometime I feel alone, I miss those love feelings I guess. I'm afraid that if I let someone get closer to me, that he can't deal with me, with my situation, with my stupid fears of everything, and I get hurt and everything gets worst. But again, it's all my stupid fears. This is life, love, get hurt, get up and love again. No one is in love with the absolute sure that everything is gonna be perfect. I know that.

It's hard to understand what I want and what is the best for me.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Be good to me *

Am I the only one who believes in good energies? Like being with good people, enjoy a beautiful sunny day, help someone, those things bring good energies to me. I really believe that. Places full of good memories, moments with those I love, listen the perfect music, smell the perfume that remembers you someone you miss...this kind of things bring such good energy to my day, my life. If something bad is happening, you can help yourself being surrounded of things that gives you good energies. Positivity brings more positivity. It's like Karma, if you do good, you receive good. You know what I think it bring good energies too? A good movie. A movie with a story that gives you faith, laugh, great memories, good emotions.  Maybe you relate to the story, the character, and the perfect end gives you hope. Or maybe this is just me, because I'm addicted to cinema. I'm always waiting for some movie, now I really want to see Noah, maybe I'll see it this weekend, I hope so. Did you saw it already? How great it is? It's enormous, I know!!! 

This year I'm going to Algarve on Easter. It's good to me, going to the beach, relax, take a walk, it's good to my anxiety. When I was in Porto the weather was so bad that I didn't even took a picture, so in Algarve I'm hoping taking some photos, and put one or two here on my blog. 

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

It's not Black and White anymore

Remember that time when you did everything you wanted, with no stupid fears and anxiety that now makes you give up of everything? How good it felt, to be free? How bad you miss that days? I think about that a lot, I think about all the trips I did, all the concerts, parties, vacations with friends. I miss that, I miss that so bad...It's time to have my life back. I'm in a good way, I am fighting this anxiety like I never though I could, I'm stronger each day. 

I still don't have any call for a job interview, I know this things take some time, but I'm not that optimist. Patient it's not a quality in me, it's a lost treasure. Now that I saw that I'm strong enough to do it, to move to Porto and start a new life, I really need a job, because without money it's impossible. Economy it's so bad, everyone needs a job, a lot of young people are fighting like me, it's difficult to even get a interview. I'm praying everyday. 

I think I already said that I love nails art, if I didn't, I did now. I paint my nails by myself, I love to do it, and I think I'm good at it. Doing thing that I love to do, really calms me down. Think about what you enjoy to do, and do it, anytime you feel you need it, it works for me, distract my thoughts, relax me and makes me happy.
Easter it's almost here, last year I did this nails art:

                                         

It's not perfect, but I think it's good, I loved it.That is my hand, and I did all by myself.
Yesterday I saw this one on Instagram:

I think they are so beautiful, maybe I'll do the same on my nails next time. Now I just have purple nails, with no art, just simple. It's one of those colors I bought the other day. It's this color:

                                           

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

I'm not my Anxiety

Living with anxiety it's something that not everyone understand. Some people say we do what we do because we are making a scene, we want attention, or something like this. Sometimes this kind of people are our friends, our family, and sometimes they just say that because they don't know what anxiety disorder is. So, talk to them, explain what it is, how you feel, tell them to search some information. When they know, when they understand better, they can help you, they can help you fight your fears, and control the anxiety in some situations. Those who really loves you and care about you, will do this, for you. People told me a lot that this was nothing, "please don't make a scene" they said, because they didn't know how hard and difficult it is to live with this, but since they  know, it's better for me because they help me a lot, and for them because they understand me now. Some didn't care, so I don't care about them anymore, the real friends were by my side since the beginning, 4 years ago, till now. All my family were very supportive, I'm very blessed for that. Some don't understand that much, but they don't judged me, and support me no matter what. That helped me, I felt that I was not alone, and I'm sure that if you stop and look around, you'll realize you're not alone too. You can do what you thing you can't. I know how that feels, I thought I've lost the control of my life, and I did for some time. But I've got stronger and stronger, baby steps but very important steps, and today I still have this disorder, but I'm the one who have the control. Some days it's difficult to think so positive like today, but day by day it's gonna be better, until the positive vibe come back to me. The best thing I can say to all of you is that you are not alone, please realize that, maybe it seems not a big deal, but believe me it's huge for us.

The sun it's back, I'm so happy, please stay forever! It's not so good for my allergies but and don't care, I'm tired of winter. Welcome back Spring.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Spring Vibe

It's good to be back home. I've really loved this days in Porto, but home it's always better. When I travel, I feel something new in me, maybe my energy, my spirit, I don't know. It's a good feeling. 

This year the spring collection it's so beautiful, with so much colors and forms. I saw a lot of clothes with fruits, I loved it, so cute. My clothes are very colorful, different and girly. Stores like Bershka, H&M, Primark and Zara, not that expensive and they have the most cute collection this year.

I felt in love with this leggins from Bershka:

                                                           With this blazer from H&M:

And this from Primark:

I'm hoping the weather get better now, today it was a little sunny, maybe tomorrow it's better and winter may finally go away till December. Please!
My anxiety it's controlled, I'm in a very happy place right now, so this is a moment of zero anxiety. That's why I really want you to know that fight against your fears is very important, hard I know, but you deserve this peace sometimes. Please be strong, take your time and face it. You're not alone.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane