I see you, but you don't see me!

Why does anxiety cares so much about others? What they think, what they see when they look at me, if they judge me for my wierd behavior sometimes...Before all this I didn't care this much, and now in a good day I still don't, but in a bad day, a very anxious day, everything is important. And that gives me a lot of anxiety because my brain it's allways thinking in 10000 things at the same time. So, this little smart anxiety works in a way that gives it more and more power. 

I would love that people that I call "normal", could see how I live every single day of my life since this started. They don't see it, they don't understand, they look at me and what they see is a normal woman, more quite and lonely sometimes, asking why I did changed so much, and they never understand. I've tryed to explain more then once, but they just can't understand, just me and you, who lives with this, who wakes up everyday with fear because we just don't know If we gonna make it, leave the house, speak to different people, drive, eat, work...be a person. No one out of this, knows how brave we are, how tired we are sometimes but still fighting. A disease it's not just something that you look at me and you see it, sometimes it's something you need to feel it, with me, live it, with me. But how? How can someone see it like us? I'm not talking about support, understanding and be patient with me. No. I'm talking about feeling my disease, my war. 

How? 

Mary Jane

I'm not allowed to love

The past made me suffer. That past made me a new person, and I don't think I agree with this new me, but I understand. That past made me be so scared of love, being in love, because it took me so much time to rebuild myself, that now the idea of losing it brings panic. Love brings good things, magic feeling, mas the only thing I can see is that love makes me dependent, my happiness is in someones hands, if he loves me back, if he called me today, if you fight...You see? My happiness is no longer in my control, and that idea gives me anxiety, fear. So I don't wanna be too close of someone. I love my family but I closed a little, my friends are a big support, I would do anything to help them but I don't talk about myself anymore, I don't ask for help if I need it, I don't talk for hours about my problems and concerns...I listen, each one, they trust me a lot, but I don't do the same...not anymore. I understand this is a way that my brain thinks is protecting me, but at what point is this saving me? Helping me? I deserve to be happy, to build my family, it's my dream to be a mom, but now, how? I tryed to start slowly, but when I feel the person is too close, I panic, my anxiety explode and just put this fears in my head and is so exhausting that I just give up. I'm not in a relationship for 4 years now...didn't felt in love, no more, because it's impossible for me to connect with someone at that point. I know it all depends on me, but it's hard to change a habit that puts you in a confort zone...

Mary Jane

Open the book...page 1

I've never told my family that I have anxiety disorder. They know I'm very anxious, nervous, they know I was in treatment for some months, they are very supportive, but I've never said it, with all the words...Why? I don't know...maybe because I thought at that point that was no need for that, I was in control and I felt strong enough to not ask for help anymore. Like I said before in this blog, I need my space, my time alone, I've never shared my feelings that much, and I believe that help the anxiety win some wars against me. I really think is important to open and say it all, to all your close ones. I didn't and at the beggining was hard, hide the anxiety during a family dinner, for example, I had no need to suffer that, it was enough all the rest, I could be more helped and supported back then...Now I see that, how important it is to be 100% honest with those who just want to help you, your recovery... Three years past since my last appointment with my doctor, now how do I start this conversation without scaring them? "why tell now if she hided this for years?"... Well, I don't feel like I've hided, I didn't opened my book 100%, so they can read my story, you know? I don't lie if they ask me something, I just don't take the first step...never did...

Mary Jane