June, be fashion to me*

It's almost summer, finally. What I love more about changing season, is change all the clothes and daily looks. It's so good, it almost feels like having a all new closet full of new clothes. My anxiety doesn't like changes, but this one does not make me anxious, so it's all good feelings. I'm a girl, of course I love clothes and fashion, but now even boys love it, so this is a good tip to everyone. In a stressing day change the closet order, think about new looks you can combine, see what you don't like that much anymore and give that to a friend or someone who needs, it's a good thing and a perfect excuse to buy something new ahah

Today, the first day of June, I chose a black and white dress, so cute, let me show you:

Do you like it? I love it, it's from H&M.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

My sweet anxiety

How crazy it is when you realize you're scared about being scared when there's nothing to be scared of? If you have anxiety disorder like me, you know what am talking about. It's the fear of fear. For me, this kind of experience are so strong and exhaustive, when I know that I'm gonna put myself in that position again I automatically panic. It's hard to learn how to control that. When you do know how to control, there is some days more difficult, and you feel it's starting all over again. Right? Like I said before, I live with this disorder in years, and everyday I learn something new, and I'm grateful of that. I'm stronger and stronger each day. I hate to live with anxiety but it's impossible to live without it, so the best I can do it's learn everyday how to deal it and be happy. I am the way I am, and I love myself today, I really do.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane


image(http://nami64.deviantart.com/art/I-love-myself-125997150)

Please Love, just Love

Today I asked myself, do I think more or feel more? I believe I think more, and that's not how it should be. What we feel it's more real, more pure, maybe more innocent, fragile...When we think everything, we plan everything, we kinda control everything. But when we feel more, we are a free spirit. How free am I? 

Live the way you feel is the right way, not how others tell you, live the way you think it's gonna feel better inside, your believes, the way you see the world, your way, because in the end of the day you live with yourself, your feelings, your self love. Those who judge instead of trying to understand, those who hate, who push you down, those have not more power than you, then shouldn't have. 

Everyday I'm grateful of who I am, what I have and who I have with me. Am different? Yes. Am I difficult to deal with?Yes. But am I worth it to try? Hell yes I am. Like you, and all of you who think you deserve to be alone and not loved, yes you do. You made a mistake? It's okay, tomorrow it's a new day, start again. It's too late? It's never too late to do thing right, tomorrow it's always a new day, forgive, fight, scream, cry, run, do anything that release you and then start again. And again, and again, till you FEEL complete. Anxiety disorder taught me something good, if you are in peace with yourself, you're in peace with the world. It's never too late to find that peace. Try.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

 

Smile, sad face

Maybe because I'm young, or maybe because I'm a woman, but sometimes, like today, nothing is enough. I've got a job, finally, I have the most lovely family, fluffy friends, but it's not enough. Why? Just because. I don't know. I'm feeling like I'm not following my way, some how. I know it's probably just the anxiety saying "Hi, I'm still here, don't forget", but it's not fair for me and for those who love me and do anything for me. I feel like I should be traveling the world, working in so many different things, but I'm to dependent of my home, my blood, you know? I want that but if I do it that would not make me happy. Okay, it's probably because I'm a woman. You know, that thing that we, women, can not control, the "more" disease. More shopping, more movies, more love, more hugs, more kisses, more, more, more. 

Girl power, I guess.
Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Love me

I'm not easy to love. I know. All my life, just being love it's hard. 

I've never left people get closer, it's a little world, only mine, I feel safe here, I don't want to lose it. I was in relations before, yes, but not good or healthy relations, and that just made it worst. My last relationship broke my heart, my peace, my soul. For the first time in my life, I opened the doors, let him in, I was happy, but not for long. So, now it's almost impossible for me to trust again, to fell in love so bad that nothing else matters, like love should be. I miss that sometimes, I really do.

Living with the anxiety disorder changed everything, but not one thing, my need for my lonely side, my peace. But, for the other side, the anxiety made more afraid of loosing the control of my emotions, and that it's a stop sign for start to be in love someday. I see that, I understand that, but I don't want to fight against it, it's too comfortable right now, because now I control what I feel, I mean, my state of mind does not depend of anyone, if we're okay today, if he called me, if we had a fight, you know? When I lost the control of myself , my life, my emotion, when I was diagnosed with this disorder, it was so hard to put everything in order again, that now it's to precious to lose it, but is worth it? Am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life because I'm to scare to live it? Maybe... Maybe I already love you, but it is just to much for me to realize it. Maybe I need you so bad already that scares me even more now.
Love me.

Take each day as it comes *MaryJane

Good Love, Bad Love?

How hard it is to fall in love? Or is just me? Maybe I don't trust people enough to fall in love. Maybe I'm so focus in me, in my recovery everyday, and I forgot how to love. Is that possible? I guess it is, maybe... I've fall in love before, but not since I have the anxiety disorder. I really believe it's because I don't give other the chance to be closer to me, because I'm afraid of be hurt, or because I just don't feel prepare to let someone be in my life, be part of me. Sometime I feel alone, I miss those love feelings I guess. I'm afraid that if I let someone get closer to me, that he can't deal with me, with my situation, with my stupid fears of everything, and I get hurt and everything gets worst. But again, it's all my stupid fears. This is life, love, get hurt, get up and love again. No one is in love with the absolute sure that everything is gonna be perfect. I know that.

It's hard to understand what I want and what is the best for me.

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane

Be good to me *

Am I the only one who believes in good energies? Like being with good people, enjoy a beautiful sunny day, help someone, those things bring good energies to me. I really believe that. Places full of good memories, moments with those I love, listen the perfect music, smell the perfume that remembers you someone you miss...this kind of things bring such good energy to my day, my life. If something bad is happening, you can help yourself being surrounded of things that gives you good energies. Positivity brings more positivity. It's like Karma, if you do good, you receive good. You know what I think it bring good energies too? A good movie. A movie with a story that gives you faith, laugh, great memories, good emotions.  Maybe you relate to the story, the character, and the perfect end gives you hope. Or maybe this is just me, because I'm addicted to cinema. I'm always waiting for some movie, now I really want to see Noah, maybe I'll see it this weekend, I hope so. Did you saw it already? How great it is? It's enormous, I know!!! 

This year I'm going to Algarve on Easter. It's good to me, going to the beach, relax, take a walk, it's good to my anxiety. When I was in Porto the weather was so bad that I didn't even took a picture, so in Algarve I'm hoping taking some photos, and put one or two here on my blog. 

Take each day as it comes *

MaryJane