My evil brain

Do you remember the last day of your life without anxiety? The last day you lived before anxiety? I don't... To be honest, I struggle with anxiety since I was a little girl. Not as a disorder like now, but it was there already, not normal anxiety, since ever... I remember overthinking everything, in silence, in secret. I remember being alone, crying for over thinking a situation, and I already knew that it wasn't normal, so I didn't told anyone. Wow, just thinking about it now...Such a strong and sad memory... How can a child live like this? In secret...why? I realy don't know. I have the best family support ever, absolutly no reason to suffer in silence, or even to suffer at all... Growing up was building this disorder, like feeding it till it grew to the monster it is now. Like you can guess, writing this is making me very, very anxious...thinking about what I've caused to my life, my little me... See how this brain works? So dangerous... Likely I have tools now, to control it...a little....but enough...I guess. I think about my past everyday, as a critic evaluation, a guilty one too. I shouldn't, it's not healthy, but my thoughts and my overthinking it's my worst enemy in this war. I had fears, I had nightmares, and I still do, but my first enemy to fight anxiety, it's the overthinking. Yes, I try the happy thoughts, good memories, good feelings, but sometimes I can't...It's like having two brains and one does not love me that much LOL you know? And it's hard too ignore the evil brain, and the more I see how hard it is, louder it becomes... 

Be kind...

MaryJane

50 shades of anxiety

Let's be reaaaly honest here, I'm I the only one anxious with anything like sex, touching, being naked in front of someone? In the beggining of my anxiety disorder, this was a major, major problem, I stopped dating, seeing anyone, my love life died, for years, yes, years...that didn't help the rest, like self-esteem, social anxiety, I lost a lot of weight and I'm a slim person... Today I'm in a very healthy relation, but it's not 100% okay, it still makes me anxious but in a very low level, it took me a lot of trust with him, I told him everything he understood and helped a lot, still today... I don't know if this is a normal thing with anxiety, I didn't asked my therapist at the time, was too ashamed, really, but happened to me in my experience with this disorder. Like in others situations, I'm still fighting and getting better. Somedays I feel better and almost anxiety sex free (ahah is this real?) but others I still can't do it...I don't feel okay with my body and mind...it's so hard to explain...I hope anyone here can understand what I mean. in a very anxious day, with attacks and all, sex is out, it's impossible for me to get involve like that with another human being when the only thing I want is to be alone, shut the world. I wonder what this does to my relation, how a make him feel... I have good sex, amazing sex, but people don't know idea how this disorder changed my private life, the truth is this disorder changed everything in my life...I'm a all new person, a all new woman.

MaryJane

So...I made a list

Some things that gives me anxiety:

- Travelling

- Sleeping away from home

- Being sorrounded by strangers

- Feeling locked, kind of claustrophobia

- Going to the hospital, doctor appointment...

- Problems with my family, if people around me are not okay and relaxed, I'm not okay and very anxious

- Going to a bar if I didn't was there before or if I didn't went there in a long time, I need a confort zone everywhere

- Being sick

- Being tired

- Start a new relationship, to me was impossible for 5 years...too scared, too anxious, too emotional. I'm in a relationship now, some days are better, some are harder, some are the worst...you know, it's not easy to be with someone when you're not okay, because when I'm anxious I'm not a nice person lol I'm so cold and distant :/ 

- Fighting with my friends and family, or anyone, fighting stresses me a lot and I only think about that all the time, very stressfull

- Jobs interviews

This are just examples, I'm a very anxious person, little things can affect me, if a client calls, the boss calls, being late, if I don't sleep enough time... That's the problem with anxiety, it's everywhere, and people don't understand how hard it is to live like this. The truth is that sometime I'm very very anxious because i'm afraid of being anxious...yes...that's right...

Brand new me

Am I gonna be who I was before anxiety?

Am I gonna live the way I did before anxiety?

Am I gonna love like I loved before anxiety?

Does this change us, and the world around, us forever?

I don't know who I'm gonna be tomorrow, I know who I was, a girl with so much energy and courage and life inside of her, so damn free! And I know who I am today, a women with fears, but strong, with dreams but no wings to fly that high, but I know that this illness made me a better human being. I don't live as free as I wish I would, this anxiety makes me live with small steps, but I'm still walking. Walk with me :) I changed, yes, a lot, I'm not the same person, I grew, I feel more, the good and the bad, you know it. But now, that I know again who I am, I don't fight against it anymore, I live with anxiety, I love with anxiety and I fly too. Yes. it's possible, not easy, not in two days, it took me years to embrace this, to learn and to love myself again. I changed, yes, but as a spirit, as a human, I'm better, I'm cleaner. My faith helped me, and helps me everyday, I'm very blessed, I have anxiety, I know, I'm scared to leave the house sometimes, I know, I cry so many times by myself, I know, but I'm alive!!! I'm very loved.

I'm not the same person because of anxiety, but I'm still the same grateful spirit.

MaryJane

I feel you

Do you know that feeling when you listen someone saying they live with anxiety too? Oh my God I feel so emotional, like you share something already, and it feels good to know that maybe you're normal because that person looked pretty normal to you seconds before, so maybe you look that normal to the world. You feel that too? I'm not saying I'm happy because I met someone in pain like me, but it does feel good to know someone who does understand, because people are nice and try to be there for you, but you know, they don't understand, they love you, thank God they're here with us, but they don't understand. So, this is why I feel good to know that somewhere in the world, my country, my town, my building...is someone who understand, thank you to everyone who shares, who explain what this is...thank you ❤️


MaryJane

My heart exists

I'm in love! Wow...can you imagine this crazy anxious brain in love? I can't...Since the day I had this disorder I saw that I could not deal with these kind of feelings, you know? I couldn't even deal with me, my fears and dramas. But it happened, natural and slowly, but it happened. I have someone in my life now, someone who knows every single detail about this disorder so he is prepare for all my weirdness ahah he realy is okay with it, I guess he realy loves me :) I'm scared, big time scared, most of all I'm scared that the day this ends I have a break down and take a steps back...so scared...but I know now that it's okay to take that risk, it's better the risk and live a little, or safe and die inside. I take this risk, sometimes I'm strong and confident, sometimes I'm more anxious and more scared, can't see if it's worth it or not...but a good day comes and I get stronger again :)
I need to start living, baby steps :) but living!
December it's my favorite month, because I'm so addicted to Christmas, omg, you have no idea. Still not having a job, but still believing. God bless all the love I have around me, here in my page, my house, my home town...love everywhere. Thank you so much. Love you all. Damn, I'm in love ahah

Mary Jane

Now what?

I lost my job yesterday, just because, with no explanation, nothing. Don't know what to think or feel, I though I had my life going on good way, and now and don't know what to do. I'm so sad, so anxious so lost... Now what? I'm already fighting and looking for a new job but I'm not positive at all. It seems like life is always testing me, everytime I have something controled, everytime I am okay and happy something happens that change my mood, my peace. Anxiety it's trying to get me till I lose it, I'm still strong but I don't know for how long. Faith and love, my powerfull resource, but I'm sad and really lost... One day before another, baby steps, I know.